How to leave a toxic partner

If you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship or feel trapped in one right now, this episode is for you. We’re talking about the red flags I wish I had recognized sooner, how I turned to alcohol to cope, and healthier ways to get through hard times without drinking. Most importantly, I hope this episode helps you recognize the signs before you get as deep as I did.

More resources: TheSoberScoop.com

FB support group: @The Scoop Troop

IG: @thesoberscoop

Personal IG: @indiagants

TikTok: @thesoberscoop

YouTube: @thesoberscoop

Email: hello@thesoberscoop.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, Scoop Troop. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Scoop. On today's episode, we're going to be talking about toxic relationships, um, abusive relationships, my personal experience with a verbally and emotionally abusive situation. And the reason that this all ties into sobriety is because that relationship was a huge reason why I fell into a drinking problem. And not just during that relationship, but everything that went down after the relationship, the stalking, the harassment, and the kind of lasting impact it had on me and still does, to be honest. Alcohol kind of got me through those really, really low times. And there were moments where I would wake up in the morning and not know how I was going to get through the day if I didn't down three beers. So I, you know, this relationship that I was in, it's a huge part of my sobriety story and, you know, my my story with alcohol. And so I want to provide some tangible tips for people who might be in a situation like that, how you can leave, how to spot certain red flags in people before you enter the relationship so that you don't fall down the same path I did. And yeah, I guess I was just so oblivious. I I like to think that most people are good, and honestly, most people are good, but I didn't even think that somebody could be capable of treating me the way I was treated in that relationship. It was just like mind-blowing to me, and it was all so new. So I want to share with you the knowledge that I've gained over the past few years and like um how I got out of that relationship eventually. So I hope you find this helpful. I know so many people who've struggled with alcohol have also struggled with a toxic partner of some sort, male or female. So I hope that this is helpful, and I'm so sorry in advance if you have been through something like this or are going through something like this. It's just awful. It makes you question everything about yourself, and it's kind of like you can't really focus on anything else while that relationship is going on. How can you get sober while you're in that relationship? How can you think about going to the gym or eating healthy? Like your priorities are just so out of whack because all your energy is going into this relationship. So I see you, I feel you on this topic. It's so, so hard. And with that said, let's jump right in. Okay, I want to start it out with talking about a book that literally got me through the hardest times. I mean, this book was so eye-opening to me because I didn't realize that other people experienced what I did. Like, I just thought my situation was so unique, especially because you hear a lot about physical abuse, and like that is the definition of an abusive relationship, is they hit you, right? And that never happened to me. My relationship never ever got physical. Um, for the most part, up until the very end, I was not like scared for my safety. I wasn't scared he was gonna hit me or leave bruises on me or stuff like that. Um so I, it's like I didn't even realize that this type of manipulation and um just emotional turmoil could also be considered abuse because it wasn't physical. I didn't even realize that. And this book was so eye-opening to me. It does touch on the physical abuse as well, it touches on all types of toxic relationships, but it was so helpful to learn about these types of people, okay? And not every toxic relationship is this type of person, but a lot of them are. And that type of person is a narcissist, and that word is thrown around so often these days. I'm gonna get to the book title in a second here. It's all leading up to it, all right. Um, but a narcissist, that someone being narcissistic, it's like people use that word interchangeably for like they were mean to me. It's thrown around these days, and so I think it like devalues the word narcissism. Uh, and when you have experienced somebody who is truly a narcissist, whether that is a parent or a friend or a partner or a boss or whoever, when you have experienced one of those people, you're like, oh, now I know what narcissism is. Um yeah, it's definitely like a certain quality that I feel that I can spot in people a mile away now. And it's rare. It is rare. Most people are good, even if people have a bad bone in their body, most people are not narcissists with this extreme condition. It is a condition, narcissistic personality disorder. Um, it it takes a very specific kind of person, and if you've experienced one of those, I'm sorry. It is so tough. I think the toughest is when it's someone in your family because it's almost like you have to love them, right? Like if your parent is a narcissist, that's that's one of the hardest upbringings to have, in my opinion. Because you think about manipulation and using these manipulation tactics, you can spot that as an adult a lot of times, or you know, hopefully you can. I couldn't. Uh, but you learn your own values, you become an adult, your brain develops, all that stuff. But when you're a kid and you grow up thinking, this is my parent here, that is that is whack to have your parent be using these tactics on you to manipulate you and get you to do the things they want you to. It's scary. It's really scary. And any association with a narcissist is very, very tough. Um parent or sibling or friend or your relationship, your partner. All of them are hard. But, anyways, so this book it is called How to Leave an Asshole. And she actually uses the word asshole as a replacement for narcissist, basically. Um, and she explains that early on in the book that that word is just like an interchangeable word for your narcissist or your abuser or whatever. Um, she talks a lot about narcissism, and it's crazy. Oh my god, there's one page, or maybe it's like over two pages or something, and it's just a list of bullets of qualities that these people often have, and the specificity is unreal. She wrote things. I should go get the book. I'm gonna go get the book. One second. Okay, well, annoyingly I can't find it, and I'm wondering if I actually gave it away because as much as that book helped me, it's like every time I looked at it, I would think of that situation, and it's actually kind of crazy that the book has my my copy of the book has red wine stains all over it because I spilt my red wine on it. And so every page is like crumpled and crinkled and a little pink, and I may have just gotten rid of it. Uh I don't know if that was like a sober thing or a this reminds me of that guy thing. I don't know. Maybe it's somewhere in this house, but anyways, that's just a funny little story. So, anyway, she has this list, and the list of qualities is so specific that I'm just like, are you in my head? It's crazy. It just made me feel like, oh my god, somebody gets me. All these things that were driving me like insane, and I didn't really put two and two together that they were associated with these narcissistic qualities until I read them in this book. And I was like, oh my god, she gets me. That's just how I felt through this entire book. It's like, oh my god, she gets me. She even talks about, and she has all these fun words for things. So it feels like, it feels like you're reading in code or something. So she has this thing, this is just another part of it that I remember. She talks about flying monkeys, they're called. And these are the people who are surrounding your relationship, who are like on the other person's team. And a lot of times it's their family, it's their mom, it's their sister, it's whoever that will like reach out to you to feed into the manipulation. Like they've also been so manipulated by this guy. I'm just thinking about when I was going through my breakup, I got letters from his mom. I got letters from his sister. Um, my parents received a letter from his family. Like, these flying monkeys will try to keep you in the relationship. It's crazy. And she talked about that, and I was like, How did you know that? How did you know that? The stuff that she talks about just makes you feel so seen if you've ever gone through something like this. It's actually, ugh, just amazing. Amazing to feel seen, I should say. Not amazing that so many of us have gone through this exact thing. And the wild thing is, is it's it's like a blueprint. What narcissists do in relationships is literally like a blueprint. It's step by step by step. You start out, and it is the most incredible relationship you have ever been in. It is the highest of highs. I still to this day say that those early days were like the best relationship I've been in. I've had the highest highs with this guy, but the lowest, lowest of lows. And it's like I wish I could just take those good qualities because the good was so good. And that's why we stay in it for so long, I think, too, is because we hold on to those really good qualities, and we know that they're capable of being good. So we just always want them to be that. But then they keep treating us so horribly. So, anyways, it starts out the best you've ever experienced. It's love bombing, it's fantastic. I mean, now looking back, I notice some manipulative qualities even from the very, the very beginning. But it's like these people are oftentimes the biggest personality in the room. They're they're so charismatic. They got that charisma, the riz, as people call it in Gen Z. Um, you know, everybody loves him. All the wait staff and bartenders, wherever you go, they love him, they know him by name. He doesn't have to wait in lines because he knows the door guy. Everybody loves this guy, and he's so funny and makes you feel amazing about yourself in the beginning, and then it starts to get bad. Um, just little tiny things happen, and you're like, oh my god, that made me feel horrible, horribly. But he manipulates you into thinking that it was your fault or it was a misunderstanding, or you're not remembering it correctly, or you're on your period, so you're emotional, or we were drinking, let's just restart. I mean, there are so many excuses for the behavior, and my guy did a really good job of making our issues poof just disappear. And I'm I'm forgiving, and I'm also like, I think also my memory just wasn't good. I wouldn't be able to remember all the details, so he would tell me things, and I'd just be like, Yeah, okay, that yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, let's just start over. That sounds fine. I I want to just get back to the good, right? Like another cool thing that they talk about in the book is that these narcissists tend to go for people who are very caring and wanting to see the best in people and are just really, really good-hearted people, and that's why it's so sad that they fall victim to these types of people, these narcissists. So, yeah, it starts out really good, things start to get bad, but you know, you don't really realize it because he's manipulating you into thinking that it's totally fine, and then he starts telling you, Oh, I don't really like that that friend of yours that much. Do you think she has a good influence on you? Like, she's not very career-driven, she drinks a lot, she whenever you're with her, she always takes you out to the club and you're like talking with single guys, and I just don't think that's good for you, you know? I don't think she's a positive impact, and you are who you surround yourself with. So I don't know. I take a second look at her, and that's one of your best friends, and so you start to pull away from that friendship a little bit because you're like, wow, she really is all those things. That's crazy. You're so right. Oh my God, you're my savior. You're making me into a better person. So you pull away from that friend, and then it's like, oh, you know, my family starts saying, hey, this guy's pretty whack. He's not treating you that well. Are you okay down there? Like, what's going on? And he says, Oh, your parents just don't get it. They don't, they don't understand our relationship, like they don't see our love day to day. They'll never get this kind of connection. And um, oh, they just want you to move back home and live a simple life. Like, don't give up on your dreams. You gotta stay living here and here with me. And, you know, it starts pulling you away from all the people you care about in your life, and all of a sudden, he is your only friend. He's he's your guy for everything. For the good, for the bad, and everything in between, he is your guy. You become almost trauma-bonded because you go through these crazy things together, you go through these huge fights and these awful situations, and you feel like you want to talk to him about it because he's the only one he's the one you care about the most, and you have this strong, strong bond. And so he's your only savior for the issues you're having with him. He's your only guy. You are completely isolated from everyone else, and then things start to get really bad. And you feel like you can't leave anymore because you are so bonded to this person, you have de-friended people in your life, you don't feel connected to your family, your family's told you to leave the relationship a hundred times, and when you continue to stay, it's almost like you've lost their trust a little bit because they're trying and you're just ignoring them. It's rude. So, you know, you don't really want to turn to them for help when they've told you to leave so many times. So you really just have him. And you try to leave once and he talks you back into it. You try to leave twice and he talks you back into it. You threaten leaving a third time and he threatens you back financially, legally, saying all these crazy things that could happen, that could happen. I'm gonna sue you for this, I'm gonna um come after you for this amount of money or your family for this amount of money, I'm gonna sue you for everything you have because of X, Y, and Z, crazy things that they make up. But oftentimes narcissists are highly, highly intelligent as well. So you trust them. You trust that if they say they're gonna come after you for your family's entire house and all their assets and sue you to the ground, then you kind of believe them and you get really scared. And then they threaten you. Maybe you live together. I didn't, you know, live with him outside of a couple months. Um, but maybe they threaten where are you gonna live? Maybe they threaten where are you gonna work. Maybe they've manipulated you in your work to where you don't work anymore because, oh, he's got you. Don't worry, I got you. But then you're trapped. Anyways, I'm going down a rabbit hole here, but I'm just painting the picture that so many of us go through. And then in my situation, it's like finally, after like the seventh try, and we had some logistics that I'm not even gonna get into, but that made it even more difficult for me to leave. And after the seventh time, I finally do, and it's the stalking and harassment and all the aftermath of it. And this is a formula, guys. Like, if you have been in a narcissistic relationship, you're probably like, how am I reading your mind right now? Uh yeah, because they all do this, they all follow the same pattern, narcissists in general. And I'm looking at this through a romantic lens, but obviously there are certain strategies of manipulation if they're your parent or your sibling or your kid or whoever. So it's awful, it sucks, but I want to give you some toxic traits or red flags to look out for. And these are how you feel. These are not like he does this, he, and I'm saying he because mine was a he, but it could be she, it could be anybody, okay? I'm just saying he because that was mine. Narcissists can be male or female, doesn't matter. So these are red flags that you feel, not things that they have done, but things that you feel. And I want you to look out for these things in your current relationship, in your future relationships, whatever. So, constantly walking on eggshells. I know I felt like that for sure. I never wanted to say the wrong thing. Oh my god, it was so scary. Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you wear. Tick, tick, tick. Literally all of those things. It's like he thought I was so beautiful, and I have a great body, I was a model, you know. Um, I love your body, but don't you dare show it to anybody else? Dress very conservatively, are you really gonna wear that? All that type of stuff. Typical. Another thing, excessive jealousy or accusations, making up these stories that oh my god, I saw you that you held eye contact with that guy at the coffee shop for too long. He probably wants to F you. Like, what are you doing looking like that? You shouldn't have worn that. You have you been seeing him behind my back? Who's that you're texting? Mark, that's not from work. Who is that Mark guy? For example. Um, next. Love bombing, followed by withdrawal, anger, or punishment. Yeah. So they pretend that they're so in love. It's the strongest love you've ever felt. And then they pull away or they get mad. But the love is so good that you don't believe that they're overall a bad person because you've seen this intense love. Oh my god, I could tell you the most embarrassing story about when I said I love you to him. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm sharing this. Um It's like he was basically fishing it out of me. Like to say, I love you. You know how people can do that? Like, tell me how you really feel. Like, are tell me how you feel about us. They'll say stuff like that. Harry Joussy does it in this Mary Harry show on Netflix. It's crazy. But anyways, they'll like try to fish it out of you. And I say it, and he doesn't say it back. And I'm like, Okay, like, you just got me to say this thing, and you're not even gonna say it back. And I think I said, Are you not gonna say it to me? And he was like, I'm gonna say it when I feel ready. And I was like, oh my god, okay, got it, sounds good, you know? Like, he wants to have control of every situation, and that was so embarrassing to me, because I was like, I probably wouldn't have said it in that moment until I truly, truly felt it. And then he wanted to have control of the situation, be like, Well, I don't love you yet, so you gotta keep earning my love. So frickin lame. Alright, next thing. Gaslighting or making you question your own memory or reality. That's what I was talking about earlier, like where you're thinking, I know what he said to me last night. I know that he did that, I know that he treated me this way or said this thing, but he's telling me that he didn't. He's saying something else, and it kind of makes sense. Shoot, maybe he's right. Maybe I am remembering it wrong. Maybe I was just emotional because I'm on my period. Maybe I did have too many drinks and just can't remember what happened. Shoot, maybe he's right. It's scary when you start questioning your own reality. It's freaky, and I I fully I was convinced I just had a horrible memory and I could never remember anything. Now I'm wondering, was my memory really that bad? Or did he make me feel that it was that bad? Isolating you from friends and family. Yep, already talked about that. Monitoring your phone, location, finances, social media. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Threats, intimidation, destroying property, yikes. Financial control, sexual pressure or coercion, repeatedly violating your boundaries after you've clearly said no, making you feel like everything is your fault, apologizing or promising to change, then repeating the exact same behavior. That's the worst part, too, is you want to believe that people change. I mean, when I say, Oh my god, I've done this wrong and I really need to change that. I am so, so sorry, this will never happen again. Like, I really try to work on that. But these people do not. They say it and then they just do it again. And I hate that I believed him so many times. I'm angry at myself for that. And I just want to throw out a little PSA that it does not have to get physical for it to be a concern or like taken seriously. Because this is so sad, it makes me emotional just thinking about it, but I I wished, I remember exactly where I was standing. I was on a walk and I remember where I was standing when I had this thought. I said, I wish he would hit me. That's what I was thinking. Because it would be so much more obvious. It would be so much more cut and dry, like, oh, you hit me, I'm leaving. And I would just, I for me, that was the the line, right? Like for drinking, my line was drinking in the morning. That's when it becomes a problem, right? Wrong. It can become a problem way before that and in a lot of different ways. It can always look a drinking problem, doesn't look one specific way. And a narcissistic, toxic, abusive, whatever you want to call it, relationship doesn't have to be physical for it to be a problem. And I remember saying, I wish he would hit me, because then I would know for sure that this is not my guy. But it was only, only emotional, financial, verbal, never physical. So he's not that bad, right? But all those other types of abuse should be taken seriously. We need to take them seriously. And let's just say when I eventually got a restraining order and brought all my evidence that I had to the police, it was granted within the hour, no questions asked. So they know how serious these things can be. And let me tell you why it's serious. I mean, first of all, because you don't deserve to live your life that way, and you deserve better and you deserve to be free of that person. But also, these are the types of people that do dangerous things. And even if they have not been violent towards you yet, especially if they have, but even if they haven't, they are the type of people who would go to great lengths to maintain their reputation or eliminate somebody who has you know this dirt on them. So it's dangerous, and any type of abuse needs to be taken seriously. So there's that. Also, I would like to say, I wish I knew this when I was going through it, but at your local courthouse or whatever, um, I think it's just called the courthouse, yeah. I mean you can start at the police department if you want, but I think at the local courthouse, like where you would file a restraining order, um, they have, at least at mine that I went to, they had some ladies there to help. First of all, they're they're there to help you with your paperwork to make sure you're filling it out correctly, because a lot of people get a lawyer for a restraining order, but if you're not financially able to, there's these ladies who can help you uh file it on your own. And oh my god, I'm gonna cry. No, I'm gonna keep it together. These ladies, like they just they helped me so much in my time of need. They made me feel like I wasn't crazy. I was like, oh, this probably isn't bad enough to like include on there. And they were like, absolutely include that. And they just made me feel like I wasn't crazy. They made me feel like I was doing the right thing, they made me feel less lost because I was so confused. I was like, how do I do this? How do I get a lawyer? How do I do how do I fill out this paperwork? How do I do any of this? And they just helped me through it all, and it just meant the world to me to actually talk to another human being about this instead of just like the internet, because that's basically what it was. At that, at that point in my relationship, when I had left him and I'm well, or maybe about to leave him, and um, you know, the stalking and harassment and stuff has ensued. Um, like I was so isolated because, like I said, he pulled me away from everybody, and it was just such a a hard time, and I didn't want to tell everyone what I was going through because it was dark at times, and I just didn't feel comfortable talking to people about it. And so I would look a lot up online, but when I talked to these ladies, it was like finally I was letting it out, and it just felt amazing, and they are a really good resource if you're going through that. Um, I will say that like I had hard evidence of the stalking and harassment is what gets you the restraining order. I don't know if you can get a restraining order just because someone doesn't treat you well. I don't think you can unless you are scared for your your safety. Um, but if you've broken up and you've asked them to leave you alone and they're not leaving you alone, that is when a restraining order comes into play. You know, you can't just say, I don't like this guy that I'm with. I think you have to leave them and get the restraining order afterwards, um, if they don't listen to your request to end the relationship, basically. I don't want to talk about the logistics because I'm not a professional and I don't know for sure. Like I said, I was so lost, and these ladies really helped me out. Um, but it is just such a touchy situation, and not every situation needs a restraining order. Mine did, um, because it was getting a little scary towards the end. I'm not gonna go into the details, but yes, um, I needed one. So, anyways, the ladies at the courthouse uh were so helpful, and I think you can go to them, even in the early days, it's free, by the way. Um, I think you can go to them and say that you're in this situation and you don't know how to leave. And they can at least like just talk to you about it so that you know if you did leave what your resources are. I think they have connections to women's shelters as well. If you need to like move out of your house and have shelter for a little bit, they can help you. So go ask those ladies, ask the services. I think you head down to you just ask like where you would file a restraining order, and there's usually a little room um where those ladies are. And they're usually ladies. Sorry, but they are. Um, yeah. And let me just say, if you are in one of these bad situations, document everything. Take all the screenshots, pictures. You could have video or audio evidence. I will say, if it goes really deep into the legal stuff, you're not technically allowed to like record somebody against their consent, I think it is. Um, I don't really know how that all works, okay? It's it can be a little dodgy, but my goodness. Anyway, everybody's situation is so different, so you gotta just do what's right for you. But what I'm saying is document everything. Because for legal action, you do need to have hard proof. And if you're ever scared for your safety, call the cops because they will they take domestic violence very seriously, and they will come and even if the situation has resolved itself or the person is gone or whatever, they'll give you their card with a case number on it, and that um is gold for a restraining order. So, anyways, if you go down that route, it it's crazy. They actually they can be hard to get. Restraining orders can be hard to get. So just document everything and obviously only go down the restraining order path if you really need to, because it's a very serious thing, and it should be taken seriously. So there's my two cents on that. Oh, and like I said, mine didn't get physical, God bless. Um, but if it is physical, take pictures of any bruising or harm and and note the date on those. Okay, let's let's move on. It's getting dark. Alright, and I want to say, don't confuse missing them with making the wrong decision. Because even now, years after this relationship, I'm so embarrassed to even say this, but I miss him more than any other partner I've been with. Which is crazy. But I miss the good times so bad. Like I said, the highs were so high, and he was so funny, so he had that charisma, um, he was very driven and ambitious. There were so many things I liked about him. So, anyways, I especially after the relationship, I can miss him as much as I want, but that doesn't mean I made the wrong choice. Like, yeah, if we can somehow separate those, missing somebody or feeling like you need them doesn't mean that you've made a mistake. You're doing something good for yourself, and it all gets easier with time. And I went through so many cycles of emotions, it's like I hated him for a while. I still hate him. I hate him. I hate this guy for the lasting impact he has on me. I hate all the ways that he treated me. I hate that he isolated me from my family. I hate that he set my next relationship up for failure because he was constantly in my mind. I hate that he caused me to have a drinking problem. I hate, I hate him. It was the darkest times of my life during that relationship and after. And I hate him, but I can also miss him at times, which is so confusing. So don't get confused. I think that's why statistically it takes seven times for somebody to leave an abusive relationship because you go through that cycle of I miss them, I want them, they're the only person I have to lean on, so people go back. Don't go back. Stay firm in your decision, rip the band-aid, and it all gets easier with time. So protection orders and what you can do to protect yourself vary by state and city, I think. But hopefully, this gave you some tangible resources for what you can do, and most of all, just being able to recognize these qualities in people. Sometimes the biggest personality in the room is not um, that doesn't equate to being the nicest guy in the room. Sometimes it does. But don't be fooled. Keep keep a good head on your shoulders and and look out for yourself. You deserve a wonderful, healthy relationship. And you might feel like you're going crazy if you're in one of these things, but you're not crazy, okay? And um, stay strong. You got this. It's such a hard situation to be in. I wish nobody had to go through this, but so many people do, unfortunately. And I think it links to so many substance issues and other issues. So we gotta take care of ourselves. And I love you guys. If you have any questions about this, feel free to ask. It's such a touchy subject, and it's it's difficult to talk about if I'm being honest. I'm I'm actually still scared of him. Um and if he heard one of these episodes or something, like it scares me to death. Um, so it's very difficult for me to talk about, and I feel like speaking of walking on eggshells, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I wish I could be totally, completely honest and tell you every detail, but this is the best I got. So thank you for listening. Love you guys, and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.