Going out sober this summer

Going out sober doesn't have to feel awkward or isolating. In this episode, I'm sharing my favorite random, unhinged, and surprisingly effective hacks for navigating bars, parties, dinners, and social events without alcohol. If you've ever felt self-conscious or like the odd one out, this episode is packed with practical tips to help you feel comfortable, confident, and actually enjoy yourself while staying true to your sobriety.

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to the Soberscoop. My name is India Gance. I'm your host. And I don't know about you guys, but this summer I have attended so many parties where drinking is ever present. Like you just can't seem to avoid it. Not that I necessarily actively avoid those situations, but I'm not somebody who like goes out to bars in the evening. That's not really what I enjoy doing with my time now that I am sober. But in summer, it's like you literally can't avoid it. You go to the community fair, like you know, the neighborhood community fair, and there's a beer garden and people partying. You go out to, you know, a brunch spot and it's like bottomless mimosas, and um, there's 4th of July parties and there's summer get-togethers and block parties, and there's just a lot in the summer. People are outside, people are doing things, and for a lot of people that means alcohol. So, in this episode, I want to give you some super tangible tips for how to exist in those like party situations without feeling so ostracized and like you're the only one not drinking. And also just how to make yourself feel comfortable with all that going on around you. Because in so many situations, we can avoid being around alcohol if we don't want to be. But in the summer, I swear, it's just everywhere. Every activity you do, even an outdoor, just active activity, there is alcohol everywhere. It's just like the summer vibe or something. So let's get into it. I'm gonna give you some great tips that you can literally apply today for your next party, whenever that may be. These have helped me so much, and they're not very obvious. Some of them are, but some of them are things that you would not think to do that actually really, really help. And I've been shocked when I discover them myself. So let's jump right in. First and foremost, I understand why people are out there drinking in the summer all day long. I used to love it too, if I'm being honest. I loved drinking during the day. I loved being out in the sunshine and having a drink. Day drinking was my favorite thing. I loved it. And during the summer, or these like activities, these block parties, 4th of July, cookouts, whatever, it's almost like I could take off my my invisibility cloak. Is that I don't know if that's a good metaphor, but like I could exist and not feel like I was hiding myself because that's really how I felt through most of my drinking problem is that I was living a Hannah Montana double life. I had to pretend that I wasn't drinking all day long when really I was, morning to night, Monday through Friday, and the weekend, of course, but during the work week and everything. But at these daytime parties, it's like I could pretend that it was a special occasion. Do you know what I mean? I could be like, oh my god, it's so fun! Like, are we really gonna start at 9 a.m.? That's crazy. Little do they know, I start at 9 a.m. every day. This isn't original, this isn't special, this is my normal. But at these day drinking parties, I could pretend like it was fun and out of the ordinary. Just say, oh my god, like, are we really gonna start this early? Okay, I mean gosh, if you insist. So many times at like a bottomless mimosa brunch or something, I remember I would literally pre-game the brunch and show up Artie tipsy and then be like, oh my god, I was thinking I would just get like a coffee or something. Are you guys doing mimosas? Oh, okay, sure. Fine, let's do mimosas. Do you know what I mean? I tried to make I tried to act like everybody else and be like, this is so unique, this is different, ooh, we're so bad for drinking during the day. I was doing that every day. So those parties were a great excuse, or they just felt like I could just fit right in and not have to hide myself because every single day I was hiding myself, and then at these day parties, I could just drink in excess all day long and nobody would bat an eye. Which, by the way, societally, I mean, this is a whole separate conversation of why day drinking is you know glorified and accepted in our society. Like all these restaurants that just casually serve mimosas starting at 8 a.m., it's it's kind of crazy, right? But because there's orange juice in there, it's normal. Or, you know, with a bloody Mary because there's a little tomato juice, okay. Now it's a morning drink, and it's not weird. I think about that on the plane all the time too. That's why I used to love traveling via via plane, because I could drink at the airport at any hour, because you know, we're on international time zones, nobody knows where you're coming from, what time even is it? They serve mimosas and bloody Marys all day long. Any hour. Um, on the flight. It's not like weird if you order a Bloody Mary. You're traveling! Take away the flight anxiety. I used to love it. I loved these situations where I could pretend like I was normal or like that was a special occasion when that was just my regular life. Drinking in the morning, drinking all day long. But at these certain occasions in life, it w I could unveil myself and just be who I am out in public, which wasn't very common for me. But now we are sober, we don't be drinking the booze. So if you find yourself at some of these day parties, these situations where alcohol is around and you really can't avoid it, like you're just going to the block party and there's a beer garden. There's there's just so many alcohol situations. And so I want to give you some awesome tips. Starting with, number one, if you are going to like somebody's house for the barbecue, the barbecue, the pool party, you know, the 4th of July cookout party and fireworks, whatever. I know 4th of July's already passed, forgive me, but you get the vibe. Um, you're going to something. Maybe you're going on somebody's boat. Um, it's at somebody's house. Bring your own drinks and bring a lot of them. Give yourself options because think of yourself when you were a drinker. At least for me, like it was so fun to, oh, try this cocktail that Susie brought. Oh, I got this new IPA. You should have a sip of it. Oh, uh, you know, let's let's switch to Moscow mules. How fun. It was fun to like try different things, and in sobriety, you want to have that option. You don't want to like have to drink just your sparkling waters. What if you feel like having an energy drink? What if your energy drops and you want to have a little energy drink? What if you're feeling like you want to slow things down and relax? Maybe you want to have an adaptogen drink. Maybe you don't want to alter yourself at all. You just want to switch between, like, you know, a caffeine-free soda and sparkling water and uh, you know, juices, whatever you might bring, uh, sports drinks, this and that. You want to have different options to choose from. So give yourself that option. What I'll do is I'll grab the box from my sparkling waters and I'll like take half of them out or something, and then I'll throw in just a bunch of other drinks that I have in the fridge. And you guys have heard me say this five million times, but my fridge always looks like a vending machine. I open that thing up and I have so many different options for whatever mood I'm in. So when I'm going somewhere, I pack up a bag or that box with all different things. And here's the thing: a little uh a little PSA. You will be sharing those drinks. And this always happens, and it kind of peeves me off a little bit because I'll bring like soda to a party, I'll bring like diet roopiers to a party or something, and tons of people will want them. They'll, you know, in between their alcoholic drinks, or maybe there's somebody else who's not drinking, whatever. Your drinks get drunk. Not drunk, if you know what I mean. People drink them. So bring extras. I'll never forget when I brought a 12-pack of diet root beers to this house party, and people were just living for them. They wanted to drink them, and I was like, wait a minute, but you guys are drinking alcohol. I don't have that option. Like, I want my diet root beers, please. But people were wanting them, and so from then on, I always bring like the 12 pack. Don't just bring three because you're probably only gonna have three in the course of a couple hours. Like, bring enough because other people will see them and want them. And so I just bring enough to share because that's just how it's gonna be. It's it always goes like this: you're talking with somebody and they're like, oh, what are you having? And I'm like, oh, this is just a root beer, actually. And they're like, oh my god, I love root beer. Could I have one of those? Or like, I don't really drink that much either. I might switch to root beer after this. Um, people just always want it, which I guess is kind of cool, but that's just been my experience. So I always bring extras. Even with the NA beers, I mean, it's actually shocking to me how many parties I'll go to and you'll find the DD, like somebody who's driving their spouse, or you'll just connect with somebody else who doesn't drink, and they literally aren't drinking anything. They didn't bring a single thing for themselves. And of course, this is another another interesting societal observation. At a party, there's n I don't want to say never, but there's almost never NA options. Like so many events that I go to, there will be just no non-alcoholic options. Only alcohol. They don't even have like some water. It's crazy. A lot of times you go to these parties, they don't have snacks. It's just alcoholic beverages. So, anyways, these other people who are not drinking for the night brought nothing. So they're standing around, they're not drinking anything, and I am shocked because my worst nightmare is being at a party and not having a drink in my hand. It's just muscle memory. I have to have a drink in my hand. And so I see these people who are not drinking anything, and they're like, oh yeah, I'm just not drinking tonight. And I'm like, okay, but that doesn't mean you have to go dry. Like, there are still plenty of non-alcoholic options, and it kind of breaks my heart when somebody says they're like the driver for tonight and they're just standing there twiddling their thumbs with no drink. I'm like, girl or boy, come get uh one of these drinks that I brought. You don't have to drink nothing because you're sober. And that actually frustrates me. Because people think that, oh, if it's not alcohol, I I guess it's nothing. There are so many more enjoyable, delicious beverages to drink. Do not deprive yourself of having yummy things because you don't consume poison. That's so backwards. Grab a yummy NA drink and enjoy yourself. So that is a tip that you hear all the time is like have a drink in your hand, but I really do think that it's so helpful because just it's just like a comfort blanket. You're just holding that and life is okay. I'll never f I keep saying I'll never forget. Okay. Um I went to Mardi Gras. I went to Mardi Gras as a sober person, as a newly sober person, which is crazy. Mardi Gras is a drinking holiday, and I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Crazy! I can't even believe I did that looking back, but I kind of wanted to challenge myself, and it was successful and it was really fun. Anyway, the thing that made me feel better was always having a drink in my hand. And I remember moments where I didn't have a drink in my hand, and I remember feeling awkward. I remember feeling like everybody's looking at me, I stand out, um, I don't know what to do with my hands. It was weird. So now I just try to always have a drink in my hand, and it really helps. Okay, I got another thing for you, and this is one of the ones that you wouldn't expect. I've talked about it before, so if you're a loyal, sober scoop listener, you may have heard this before, but I've only like briefly mentioned it a few times in the past, and that is to wear sunglasses. Oh my god, this is my secret superpower. First of all, in summer it's way easier because a lot of times it's bright anyway, right? Like it's not that weird to be wearing sunglasses. But I'm talking like even if it's nighttime, even if you are at an indoor party and it is dark, I wear sunglasses. I know it's crazy, but especially if it's like dancing and people are getting a little crazy, like sunglasses make me feel altered, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like woo-hoo! Like, yeah, I'm I'm partying. I just love it. It makes me feel uh, I guess that's also like a security blanket as well, because people can't see into my eyes, they can't like super deep connect with me. And maybe this is a stretch, but when you're drinking, it's like you're a little glazed over, you're not really like deeply connecting, you know? And I feel like sunglasses kind of give me that. It's less intense. I I don't know if this is because I like overanalyze people's body language and eye contact, and you know, what am I doing with my hands? Am I smiling enough? Am I opening my eyes wide enough? Like, I don't know. I'm in my head a lot about a lot of like what are those called? You know, body mannerisms. And so wearing sunglasses just gives you that little layer of like I'm protected. And it does make you feel a little altered. It makes you feel like, yeah, you're just a little woo-hoo, having fun. And I love it. In the summer, it's so easy because there's so many bright situations, obviously. Wear your sunglasses, girl or boy. Wear them. It helps a lot, trust me. Okay, so another situation is like when you're going out to a bar or something like that, a club, whatever. A beach party, whatever. You're ordering drinks at the bar, you're not bringing your own drinks, okay? I recommend that you start experimenting with different drinks to order at the bar and figure out what you like. You can ask Chat GPT or something to come up with a list of like non-alcoholic drinks you can order at every bar and just have those ready to go. And have a few different options because the last thing you want is to get up to the bar and be like, um, I don't know, like soda. I mean, you can have Diet Coke. I these days I be getting Diet Coke. I like that. But you want to just have your options ready for whatever situation you're in, whether you're at like a dive bar or a day club, or um, I remember I was at a golf tournament and they just had this little setup hut with a table. It was very, very small, just like coolers and stuff to grab from there. And obviously, like it's a lot of beers, there's cocktails, uh, simple cocktails going on. It's morning time, so there were like the mimosas, the bloody Marys, all that. And I looked at that and I was like, what am I gonna get at this place? And I did an orange juice with soda water, which is one of my favorite drinks, by the way. Anywhere that serves like mimosas will have that, obviously. And I love getting that. Like I'll have that at home, even just sparkling water with a little dash of orange juice. I love it, it is so delicious. So I kind of know at this point in my sobriety, like depending on what the bar situation is, I know what they'll have. So if I'm at, for example, like a pool bar or one of those like day clubs at the beach or something in Spain, um, I know that like it might be fun to order a fruity drink, like maybe a blended uh virgin daiquiri or something like that. I know that they will have those kind of fun things to have. And then at like a dive bar, it might be an NA beer. I don't really drink those anymore, but I did for a long time in my sobriety. It might be, you know, soda water with lime, it might be Diet Cokes, it they might not have as much. Um, but you gotta know like what you can get at each place. So just have some things prepared. You want to have like a little list going in your back pocket that you can pull out and be like, do you have this? And then they're like, no. And then you say, Do you have this? And they're like, no. Like you have your third option ready, and they have that. You want to have like several different options that you like to have out at these places because you never know what's gonna happen. And if you're going in only knowing that you want an NA beer and they don't have that, you're not gonna know what to order. So just have a few different things that you know you can get at bars that are non-alcoholic. To give you some more ideas, you can do soda water with like cranberry, you can ask if they have a mock tail list, you can ask for NA wines, NA beers, you can do like something with bitters, soda water with bitters, you can do soda water with lime. Um, there are lots of fun things you can do. So just get a list going in your mind. Maybe an iced tea, maybe a coffee if they have that. There, yeah. You just want to have a few things ready to go because I remember in the beginning, it's like I automatically was ordering an NA beer. I knew that's what I was gonna get when I was out at a party. It made me feel like I fit in. It made me feel like the old me, like just the same as everybody else. My bottle of NA beer just blended right in, but then sometimes you get to the front of the line at the bar and they'd be like, oh, we don't have any NA beers. And then you're like, Hamana, hamana, hamana, hamana, hamana. What am I gonna order now? So it's good to have a few different things that you like to order when you're out at bars. Also, I just have to say, obviously, nobody's forcing you to go to these things. And if you feel uncomfortable in a situation, you don't have to be there. So I'm not saying like force yourself to do these uncomfortable things. It's just if you happen to find yourself at these parties or if you're like me, where my perspective on sobriety was like, I'm already giving up alcohol, that's hard enough. I don't want to give up all the social sides of things also. And so I continued to go to all those things. And it actually made me feel better. It made me feel like happy and proud in my sobriety. Speaking of that, and this one's a little bit unhinged, okay? Um, there's that famous phrase, comparison is the thief of joy. Well, I want you to, I want you to shift that with me here, okay? A lot of times when we go to parties, we are comparing ourselves and we're saying, oh my God, I'm the only one not drinking, like I'm not having as much fun, like everybody else is on another level, and I'm just here and everybody's looking at me weird, everybody's asking why I'm not drinking. We compare ourselves in a negative way, so often as sober people. And I want you to flip the sc flip the script, baby. I want you to look around, and I'm giving you the permission to compare yourself to these drinkers. And I know this sounds bad, but these are inside thoughts that I am I am speaking to you guys so that you can have these inside thoughts as well. What am I doing right now? Um you can look around and think to yourself how proud you are of the fact that you're not drinking. You are not putting poison into your body. You are not putting a class one carcinogen into your body. You are gonna wake up tomorrow feeling amazing. You are gonna drive yourself home from that party completely sober, do your whole nighttime routine and not pass out in your clothes and your makeup from the evening. You are going to make good decisions, have good conversation. There are so many amazing things about a sober night out. And so I want you to compare yourself in that way. And I want you to boost yourself up, have a little ego boost. It's okay, I'm giving you permission, and feel really good about yourself for not participating in those things. Think about all the calories you're saving, think about the money you're saving. There are so many positive ways you can look at yourself as a sober person in these drinking situations. Here's another random tip for you for going out. Consider bringing an accountability buddy, especially if you're new, like newly sober. Bringing somebody who knows that you're sober and like supports you in that is really so helpful. I remember when I would go out in early sobriety, my like siblings or family would kind of chime in and support me. Like when people are asking me about why I'm not drinking or like if I want a drink or anything like that, my support people would chime in and be like, Oh, she doesn't drink anymore. Like, oh, she's sober, she's a year sober. Um, they would chime in, or so you know, this was early on, so they'd be like, Oh, she's sober, hasn't drank for three months now. Um, they would just chime in. And I found that really, really helpful. And also, if you have somebody there who's supporting you in your sobriety, like if you ever feel tempted to participate and you're like, oh, I'm feeling like I want to have a drink and get in on this fun, that person will be like, stop it. Like you're so, you're doing so well. Do not drink. It just keeps you accountable and makes you remember like why you're doing this, why you're doing this. Because there are so many uncomfortable situations. And that's another tip I want to give is like have an answer ready for why you don't drink or why you're not drinking. Especially if you're new, because people might know you as a drinker, and then they see you at this first event a couple months into your sobriety, and they're like, wait, you're not drinking? I've only known you as a drinker. This is so weird. So have your answer ready to go. Everybody has different things that they like to say. You can lie, you can tell the truth. I prefer to go the truth route because I did enough lying during my drinking days. Uh, so I usually would say, like, oh, I was heading down a bad path with alcohol, wanted to nip it in the bud. Or I tried a dry January and really liked how I felt. Uh, so I decided to give it another, give sobriety another go. Maybe you're focusing on your health and wealth, and alcohol is not helping you reach your goals. You can say anything that you want, anything that makes you comfortable, or you can just say, I quit drinking. And I don't know, because that opens a door for more questions. Why? What happened? What went wrong? Is it forever? Are you gonna drink at this? Are you gonna drink at that? Like, I like to formulate a couple responses to that question that kind of stop the questions. Like you answered everything in your response. So just work on that a little bit. I gave you a few examples, but there's a lot of different things you can say. Some people say they're on antibiotics if they just don't even want to talk about it, or they're driving home today or something. But for me, I hate lying, especially now that I'm sober. I hate lying so much because I I got so sick of doing it. In fact, in my app, I am sober. Um, it's not my app, but I have the app downloaded on my phone. It makes you put in your why for why you quit drinking. And one of those was because I was so tired of lying to people. I was so tired of living a double life, deceiving people on the daily, strangers, my significant others, my family. I was so sick of lying. So I'm not somebody who's gonna lie in sobriety, but if you want to just to get out of a situation with somebody who doesn't even matter at all, go ahead. You know, again, here's your permission to just say you're on antibiotics or you're driving home or whatever, if you need to. And another tip I have for you is to leave when you're done. Because you might not be able to stay at this house party or this beach party or whatever for six, seven, six, seven, for six or seven hours like everybody else. You might reach your expiration after a couple hours and be like, this, I'm not having fun anymore. And when we stay past the point of having fun, it makes us hate going out. Like you would have such a bad taste in your mouth, you would never want to go out again. I think that's honestly why so many sober people don't go out at all, is because people start getting to a different level than them. The party starts going a different direction. It drinkers can literally do the same thing over and over again for many, many hours, but sober people will get bored. We want to make the most of our time. It's like two hours at a party, that's plenty for me. And so when you're done, leave. Do not force yourself to stay there for hours and hours and hours and hours because you'll have such a bad taste in your mouth from that experience, and you'll never want to do it again. My mom calls this leaving on a high note, and it's one of my favorite phrases. It is something I live by. So basically, you want to get out while you're still having a good time. You don't want to stay so long that now you're like, this was awful. I feel bad about myself, I'm self-conscious, I'm not having fun, I need to get home right now. You want to leave when it's like, this has been really fun. Yeah, that was great. Leave on a high note. You want to have a good taste in your mouth from that experience and be like, yeah, that was fun. I'm gonna head on out and do my nighttime skincare routine and get into bed by midnight. You know? Leave on a high note. That is such a key phrase in my life, and I hoped I hope you guys adapt that as well, because it's really something special. And, you know, this isn't really a tip for sobriety, but maybe just a tip for life. An Irish goodbye never hurt nobody. Okay. Say goodbye to the host or the person who invited you, and if you really need to, your couple of friends or something. But when we get started going around the room saying goodbye to every single person, it gets drawn out. The high note has left the building. You end up being like, this was a drag. And it's just it opens up so many questions. Why are you leaving? Oh, come on, stay out. Oh, just have one more drink with us. Woo, come on. Like, what what do you have going on? You have to make up some lie, oh, I have to be up early. No, you don't. Um, you know, it's just exhausting. When you want to leave, say goodbye to the host and just just see yourself out. Irish goodbye, leave on a high note. Those are two things my mom has like instilled in me, and they're actually great sobriety uh tactics, so feel free to steal those if you want to, along with all the going out partying tips in this video, or whatever this is, podcast episode. And to finish off the episode, I just want to talk about adaptogen drinks or like drinks that alter you in any way. Now, I'm gonna be honest. I think adaptogen drinks are like more a placebo effect than anything. Like they're more in my head. I tell myself these are supposed to relax me and like take away my anxiety, and so I feel like they do. I don't know how much of a difference they actually make. But with that said, in sobriety, obviously, like everybody is so different, and you might not be comfortable with adaptogen drinks. You might not be comfortable with NA beers and NA wines or anything that is like trying to be alcohol. You might not be comfortable with caffeine because that alters you as well. People are so different, and NA drinks are a no-judgment zone. We're all on the same team. We are all quitting the substance that has ruined our lives in a lot of ways. And so for me, I love an adaptogen drink, and I would recommend them to everybody because I love them so much, and it makes me feel like I get to have something special. I think that's actually the point of it. It's not the effects that it gives you, but it feels like a special drink. It feels like something outside of soda water and diet coke. You know? It's something special. It's canned, it's got fun packaging. If you don't know, adaptogen drinks are supposed to relax you or like take away anxiety, like make you feel calm. Some of them are like social tonics and supposed to make you feel a little like you're on a cloud. I I don't I don't feel any of that stuff really. I mean, I do a little bit, but it's like how much of it is in my head, I don't know. It does it doesn't make me feel like anything close to tipsy or something like that. Like not even a fraction of tipsy. There's nothing like dangerous for me. I'm not gonna get addicted to those. There's no feeling that I'm gonna want more and more and more and more. It's none of that. If anything, it's the slightest, slightest, slightest little relaxing feeling, but literally nothing. And for me, it's more just about having a special drink. Cracking into something with cute packaging that nobody else has. It's just like your fun drink. You get to have something special because you're going out and being around all these people and all this alcohol, and you deserve to have something fun too. And so that's kind of what adaptogen drinks mean to me. And if you need any recommendations, some of my favorites are recess, higho. Um, what have I been having recently? Oh, Silly Goose is probably my favorite. I I get sent all these um adaptogen drinks to try, and so I need to do like a full review of them and all the different ones that I've tried, but those are just some of my favorites that are top of mind. So if you want to get those, um, I know recess is at Target, High O is at Whole Foods. Um, but I think a lot of them are online as well. So anyway, I hope that was helpful for you. If you find yourself at a Darty, a day party this summer, I hope that you listen to this episode on the way and grab some tips for yourself that will help you just blend right in. Although we don't need to blend in, we are sober and that is fun too. But you know what I mean, just like socially feel like part of the group and like you're having fun too. Like I hope these tips help you feel comfortable because you should not feel ostracized or embarrassed or um like you're under a mic microscope as a sober person, because let's be honest, sobriety is normal. Sobriety is our natural state as human beings, unaltered, exactly how we were designed to be. So please don't think that like you're the weird one for not putting this substance into your body that's literally altering your brain chemistry. Like, you're good. You're the normal one. So feel good about that, and I hope these tips help you feel good about that and strong and stable in your decision. So thank you for listening, and I will see you next week for another episode. Bye.