TWO YEARS SOBER!!

On June 20th, I achieved 2 years of sobriety and couldn't be more proud. So much has changed, and I'm so grateful for the life I have today!

In today's episode, I'm just rattling off some things I love about being sober :) If you're on the fence about getting sober, I hope this makes you want to quit for good. There are so many amazing things that come with sobriety, and you deserve to meet your sober self.

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Transcript

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Oh my gosh, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but I am two years sober. Which is just crazy because it seems like this journey started so recently. It all still feels new while also feeling like I've been doing this forever and this is just who I've always been. It's weird. And to think that I have not had a sip of alcohol in two whole years is actually crazy to wrap my mind around, especially because I was somebody who drank all throughout the day every day. Like, you know, 12 to 15 beers a day for a good chunk of time there on the daily. So it's just crazy that that just isn't my life now. I have somehow achieved this new life and I am so grateful for it. So in today's episode, this this is gonna be a super uplifting episode. If you are thinking about getting sober, I hope that this pushes you into the yes, because it's amazing. There are so many benefits, endless benefits. And in this episode, I'm just gonna be rattling those off. Let's get hyped about sobriety. That is what this episode is for because I think a lot of the time we are focused on this podcast about how to work through some of the struggles of sobriety, whether that's guilt and shame for who you used to be, or maybe how to deal with feelings of sadness and grief without your crutch of alcohol. We talk about ADHD symptoms and how those can be debilitating when alcohol used to be our medicine. There's a lot of heavy topics on the pod, but this one in particular is all about the pros of being sober. So let's go. Let's jump right in. And I want to first welcome you all to our sobriety support group if you're not already part of the group. It is a private Facebook group, so um the link is in the description, and you just go there and answer like two questions, and then you'll be in. And it's basically like its own social media platform in there. People post their progress, um, they post their questions, they connect with people in their area, like it's awesome. Progress photos, all sorts of stuff. It's just a great place to be and a very supportive community. So if you're not already a member there, feel free to join. It's totally free. And yeah, the link is in the description of every episode. Also, if you haven't yet followed the podcast on Spotify or uh left a rating on Apple, wherever you're listening, I would love the support. It kind of gives me my little report card for how I'm doing here, and then also just helps get the show to the people who need it. I completely stopped doing video, so I don't really know how people are discovering this show, but it must be through suggestions on the platforms or something. So any support in that realm is greatly appre appreciated. But, anyways, now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let's jump into the good stuff, baby. So I literally have no notes. I'm just doing whatever pops into my head, uh, any good things about sobriety, and there are so, so, so many. So, whatever comes to mind is what I'm gonna be sharing with you guys. So let's start with going outslash getting home after a night out. That whole topic. That is one of my favorite things about sobriety because you can be out and about with your friends or at a birthday party or whatever, and then you just like drive yourself home and everybody is drinking, and maybe you're driving a couple people home, which feels good too. But to drive yourself home after you've been out feels so empowering. I mean, every time that I went out when I was a drinker, I was probably unsafe to drive. So being able to get in my vehicle after a night out is just so crazy. And just drive myself home. And I don't have that stress of I'm gonna get pulled over. And I'm not saying don't drink and drive, obviously, but you know, I had done it a few times during my drinking days, and I'm very ashamed of that. Speaking of shame and guilt, that's something I carry a lot of guilt about. But, anyways, even if I was slightly buzzed, I'm always nervous about the police as I should be. Um, but in sobriety, I don't have that anxiety with getting pulled over. Like I'm never gonna be under the influence of alcohol, not even a little bit. I mean, you think about how many times we go out for anything. A little get together, we go out just for like a happy hour, and so many people drive after they've been drinking. They may have had just one glass of wine or whatever, but you're putting yourself, others, and well, you're putting yourself and others at risk physically, but then also like you might get pulled over and blow slightly over the limit, which is just that was like a fear that was living in my mind. And that's why I always say if I didn't get sober, I would end up either dead, in jail, or in the hospital. And those were my three options. The fourth magical option was sobriety, and I'm really glad I chose that one, but I was like, with how my life is going, I will go to jail for a DUI. I will hurt myself or others and end up in a hospital or jail. Um, those those were my options. And uh yeah, wasn't looking good, so I'm glad I chose sobriety. And yeah, so in the realm of going out and all that, it's very empowering to go out, have a good time, and then drive yourself home. And then even better is waking up the next day and you have no regrets. You don't have to check, like, who did I text? What did I post on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever you have? Um, who did I drunk dial last night? Like, who do I need to say sorry to and go on a whole apology tour? How many drinks did I have? And you're sitting there trying to calculate and just feeling so bad about it. The mornings after a night drinking, which was every night, um, were the worst. So now that's one of my favorite things is just waking up and knowing that I feel good and I'm I didn't do anything that I'm ashamed of. It to have control of yourself and your actions is just so empowering. And I love the mornings in sobriety. You also just never have to deal with being sick. Like, unless you're actually sick. You're not ever hungover, you're not ever um too drunk and throwing up. You you're so it you're so in tune with your body, I guess, because alcohol is not um muddying the waters, you know? Like, I used to just always feel kind of off as a drinker. Like every single day I felt a little off when I was drinking. I never woke up feeling amazing. And you know what's crazy is I convinced myself that a beer could literally cure anything. If I was sick from an illness, if I was hungover, whatever, like I would just drink to get through anything. But, anyways, yeah, so you're never going out and getting sick and throwing up. You're never waking up hung over the next day. You feel a hundred percent, a hundred percent of the time, unless something is actually off, and then you really recognize it. You're like, oh, that thing that I ate for lunch actually made my tummy feel a certain way, or I feel a little lighthearted or light-headed. Maybe I am thirsty. You just feel like really in tune with your body, and that's a beautiful thing to be in in touch with your own health. I think we all deserve to know when things are going wrong in our body, and when you're drinking, you just don't have that at all. I I always figured it was alcohol that was causing any issues, and then I would drink more to get through those issues. It was just crazy, man. One of my favorite things about being sober, I'm gonna say that like a hundred times in this episode, but it's not having to lie and hide and literally live a double life like Hannah Montana. I even to the people that were the closest to me, they didn't know who I truly was. They didn't know the version of me who was sitting alone drinking a 12-pack of beer at night. Um, they didn't know that I was drinking before work. They didn't know that I woke up and had two courses lights for breakfast. And I think about like my boyfriend who I was dating at the time. I was always having to hide my beer cans and take out the trash before he got there so he wouldn't hear the cans clinking around. Like it was just a constant struggle, like a constant fight for people to not know who I was as a drinker. I really, really, really did not want anyone to like discover me, and I would do everything that I could to uh make sure that no that nobody found out. Like I I mean that was my biggest fear as a drinker was somebody like seeing how I really drank. And I was hiding constantly. I mean, I would show up to a party where alcohol is there and I already had three drinks or something so that I could kind of be at the same pace as everybody else because I was such a heavyweight and could drink a lot. And you know, people would ask, What'd you do before this, or how many drinks have you had, or what are you drinking, or whatever, and I just lied. I always lied because I'm coming already tipsy to these things. I brought my own booze that I'm having in the bathroom. Um P I don't know. I just felt like I lied to everybody. If I was out at a bar or something, I would sneak away to order a shot by myself and just do it real quick when nobody was nobody would notice. Um, I just lied all the time. I even oh my god, this is so embarrassing. But I think about like sorry to my family if you're listening to this. Um, but when I would go and stay with my family at their house, I obviously didn't want them to know that I was drinking in the mornings. And so I would either like have my drink, because they would all be at work and I would be at their house, and I would have a beer in the morning and then like hide that can somewhere. So if there were other beer cans in the trash, I would like move it to the bottom of the trash uh so they didn't see it right on top, and or and or I would take it out to the outside trash, um, you know, the big recycle bin. Um I I was just always hiding and strategizing. I think about when I got my IUD put in, I chugged two beers in the parking lot and brought one in with me to drink in the bathroom of the hospital. And I like dug through where you throw away the paper towels and put my can towards the bottom because I didn't want the people to see that. I was just always lying and hiding, and I never I never lied, but I would like evade the truth, which is lying. Let's be real. So, anyway, don't miss that at all. And one of my favorite things about being sober is just living life as my truest, most authentic self. I I don't have to even think about what did I tell her, what did I say, what should I say, what should I, you know, how can I cover that? I don't have to hide anything. No one's ever gonna find beer cans under the seats of my car. They're not gonna find beer cans scattered in my trunk, they're not gonna find beer cans in my trash, they're not gonna find beer cans in my shower or around the house. I just can live filter-free and not feel like I have to hide myself. The only way that I sometimes feel like I'm still hiding myself a little bit is with the ADHD stuff and just like how disgusting my apartment gets on a regular basis. Um, and I still feel like I have to panic clean before anybody comes over. So that's the only way that I feel like I'm still hiding or whatever, but um I'm working on that. I'm trying to not be that person and make some changes as I'm looking around at my horribly messy apartment right now. Uh, but you know, work in progress, one thing at a time. Okay, another thing I've been loving in sobriety is having like freedom with drinks because I used to feel like I was a prisoner to alcohol, and like if alcohol was available, that's what I'm getting. I mean, always. It wasn't even a question. Like, I'm not gonna order a soda or a sparkling water or something like that when I could get alcohol. It was always going to be alcohol. And now, like, when I'm staying at a hotel or something, I'll like make a coffee at the coffee bar, I'll have some tea, I'll have hot chocolate. Um, outside of the hotel, just on my own. I love having sparkling waters and bubble teas and ice iced tea drinks, adaptogen drinks, like there's so many fun things to have, and like I love discovering new things to order. I feel like I I still drink all day long just NA beverages, and there's so many good ones, and I just feel like this is how life is supposed to be lived. Like, you're not supposed to drink alcohol at all times. Like, there are so many good drinks to try and to order, so why not get to experience those? And I just love that I try all of these fun things, and similar with food, because alcohol was my priority over food when I was a drinker. Like I would almost have the mentality of like saving my calories for alcohol instead of using them on food. I didn't think it was worth it to use it on food, because what does that do for you? Like, you don't feel anything from eating. Well, maybe some people do, and that's another condition, but for me, I feel altered with alcohol. And so I want and I didn't want to waste my calories on food when I could drink booze. And so now as a sober person, it's like I love trying the desserts and trying everything that they have at the buffet or the charcuterie or, you know, just saying yes to different things. Yeah, I'll try that, and actually like ordering dessert, having a sweet treat for myself. I did not see the value of sweet treats when I was a drinker because again, I'm not gonna waste those calories on dessert when I could just have alcohol. If anything, I'd have an espresso martini and call that dessert. But I didn't do dessert as a drinker, and that's been something that's been really fun to discover in sobriety. In sobriety, I have loved getting to know myself again and just remembering the things that I actually enjoy because as drinkers, I think we let alcohol dictate our lives and like where can we get booze? When can we start drinking? Is there gonna be alcohol there? It was just always at the center of my thoughts for whatever we were doing. Like, do we need to pre-game before this? Do I need to pack one in my purse? Everything in my life revolved around alcohol, and I was really only interested in doing things where alcohol could be involved. And now I actually know what I truly like doing, regardless of if alcohol is there. It's crazy because when I do plan things with drinkers, I notice that there is still very much a focus on alcohol and where we can get it and what they'll have there and all that stuff. And I get it, I'm not judging, but it's such a relief that I don't have to think that way. I just show up. I don't have to plan anything, I don't have to stress. Like if I'm at the theater or something, I'm talking like the Fifth Avenue Theater, um, watching a Broadway style show or something, and we get out for intermission, and the line is just already so long. If I was a drinker, I would wait in that line a hundred percent. But in sobriety, I'm just like, well, that line's a little too long. I don't really need anything. Let's just go walk around or whatever. Um, it's just so nice to not be controlled by alcohol. It was almost like I was a puppet or something. Um, I was like my own avatar, and alcohol was in there just controlling me. It was it was the basis of every decision that I made and everything that I chose to do. Even things that you'd think have nothing to do with alcohol, I would make them about alcohol. I mean, look at that example that I said about going to the hospital, and I'm packing three beers in my bag to chug in the car and then bring in my purse in the hospital. Like everything just was alcohol. Any thought that I had, it's almost like it had to go through this filter of alcohol first. Like we have to get that sorted, and then I can actually think about the rest of it. When I was at my worst with drinking, now, mind you, I was also dealing with an injury at the height of my drinking problem, but I didn't do anything that I loved anymore. And I know which things those are because now in sobriety I'm doing them again. Things like volleyball and golfing and going to shows and taking walks. I mean, if you've listened to my poop episode, yes, you heard that correctly, um, I talk about how I had to stop taking walks because the bathroom became dire on several occasions during my walks, and I ended up just like taking walks around the block over and over because I needed to be close to the bathroom in case I was gonna like lose control and need to run into the bathroom. It was crazy. My digestion was so out of whack. Um, I don't even remember what I was talking about, but let's just jump right into that because that's another favorite thing about sobriety is my digestion. It's just, I guess this is how it's supposed to be, but I experienced poor digestion for so long that this feels like I have won the lottery. This feels like whatever the opposite of IBS is, that is what I have now. Like supreme digestion. I never have any issues. I rarely have any of that like gurgly-ness. I I don't struggle with like gas or you know, I don't have to sprint to the bathroom. Um, I'm just in control, and I know that sounds crazy, but I mean, let's be honest, that's one of the more like sensitive topics to discuss. And as you get into old age, it gets really embarrassing when you lose control of your bladder or bowels, you know. It's a sensitive thing to not be in control of your bathroom needs. And as a drinker, that's how I was feeling. I felt like embarrassed by it, and I hated not having control of it. It was just always such a concern. And again, I wouldn't do things that I loved because I was too busy thinking about the bathroom, too, which really is thinking about alcohol because alcohol is what's causing the bathroom issues. But anyway, um now I still select an aisle seat on airplanes because I think it's just like muscle memory at this point, and that's what I've done. But the reason that I started choosing aisle seats on the airplane was because one time I had chugged like several beers at the bar, I took a shot of whiskey, and then I walked onto the plane. And it was one of those situations where the plane was like taking forever to take off. It was just like circling the runway, we're just waiting, waiting, waiting. And I had to go so badly, just you know, number one, um, but I had to go so badly, I didn't even know what to do with myself. And we started taking off, and I'm like, oh my god, the moment that seatbelt thing dings, I am sprinting to the bathroom. And oh, I forgot to mention, I'm pretty sure I was sitting, I don't think I was all the way at the window. I think I had a middle seat, um, which is usually unplanned, but I remember like preparing to ask the person next to me to get up like immediately when that bell rings. And I just always chose aisle seat after that because I was so scared that I would have to use the bathroom and use the bathroom repeatedly because I would be ordering drinks on the flight. So, you know, now I still enjoy having that freedom and not having to ask anybody, and that's why I continue to choose the aisle seat. But when I was a drinker, it had to be the aisle seat because I didn't know when I was gonna have to like literally sprint to the bathroom. And what if the person in the aisle is asleep or something? Oh, disaster. And I would look at things like okay, I just went to the San Juan Islands and um we went on a whale watching tour. So stuff like that, where okay, this one did have a bathroom, but usually those rink-ety dink uh ships, little dingies almost don't have bathrooms on them. And you know, in an emergency, you could jump into the water or something, maybe not that water, but if you're on a lake or something. But if you gotta go number two, and as a drinker I had to go constantly, that was just impossible and not worth it. Any boating related things I did not want to do as a drinker because I was like, this is gonna be bad. I actually just wouldn't do it. If something was gonna be like four hours out on the water, that was off limits for me. Because yeah, like I said, on Lake Washington or something, you can jump. In and go number one in the lake, but if you gotta go number two, you're kind of screwed. And so I would avoid things like that. I would avoid tours that took more than a few hours because I knew I'd needed the bathroom. There were just so many things like alcohol and my digestive issues just ran my life for a while. And it's so peaceful in sobriety, not having to think about that anymore. Another thing I love about sobriety is not letting anybody like manipulate me and control me. I was in a very, very toxic relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Like, horrible, horrible relationship. And I used to get so manipulated by him because he would use my drinking against me. Like he would always tell me that I'm probably feeling this way because I'm hungover. Even if like it's the next day and I haven't had anything to drink, we're out for coffee or something, he'll be like, alcohol is still in your system, you're probably not thinking right. Um he would manipulate me by like anytime we were out drinking, if I had even just had two drinks or something, my feelings immediately became invalid because I'm not thinking right. I'm affected by alcohol and I'm not behaving correctly. He could like he could the next day tell me that I said something that I know I didn't say, but I really wouldn't have any defense because I was drinking. Like he could say, you just don't remember. Like I and I'm sitting there thinking, I would never say that. And he's like, You said it. And with a lot of people, I would say, okay, maybe I really don't remember correctly, but with him, he would use everything to twist my words and make me feel like the bad guy. I was always feeling bad. Like we would get into an argument drinking or something, and he would be horrible to me, like saying the worst things you could possibly imagine, making me just cry and ball my eyes out. And the next day when we're working it out, I'm somehow apologizing to him. That's just how it always, always was with him. And I hated that I was just able to be manipulated. He would do the same thing with like period stuff. I'm sure the the females listening know what I'm talking about. It's like they'll say you're feeling this way because you're about to get your period, or you're so moody because you're on your period. Like using it to explain your behaviors or like negate your feelings. It's so, so annoying, and it is a manipulation tactic for sure. And it's the same thing with drinking. This guy would just tell me that everything I'm saying is invalid because I have alcohol in my system. He would just always use it against me, and I could never defend myself. And I also hated that when he would do something horrible or say something horrible, I couldn't remember the details. And so the next day I'm trying to say, remember when we were standing at this area at the bar, and you you said that just horrible thing to me? It made me feel like awful. I went and cried in the bathroom, and I couldn't even remember what it was exactly that he said. So later in our relationship, I started keeping notes. A lot of us have done this with toxic ex extent when we were gonna have a conversation about what had happened. This happened so regularly, by the way, and I am not a confrontational, like fighting person, you know, I've never had that with any other guy. But with him, we argued on or like fought on the regular. And so the next day we'd be trying to iron things out, and I would have my notepad. And I would never in a million years read off the notepad to him. But before I'm going into that coffee date or like when I'm in the bathroom, before we're gonna chat or something, I just look over my notes real quick. And that way I could remember what exactly he said, and he couldn't like twist my words and use things against me. And yeah, towards the end I started video recording as well, which helped me eventually get the restraining order. Um, I had audio recordings, video recordings, I had um call logs from him calling my call box and leaving things on my car and just all sorts of things. This is getting down a different road, um, a story for another time. But anyway, I love that I can actually remember what I said and what I did, and I can, as they say on Love Island, I can stand 10 toes down on what I said. Like I know what I said always. And sometimes my memory is a little all over the place, but nobody can like twist my words and tell me that I said something I didn't. And I remember the first instance that I felt this because it was so insignificant. It was just like my my good boyfriend's mom who had said something, and um, she said, Oh, this happened or whatever. And I was thinking, no, that didn't. That's not how it happened. And it wasn't like a bad thing, but I remembered exactly what happened. And I was able to participate in that conversation and say, oh no, actually it was this, and not just have to believe what everybody tells me. That's kind of the point that it got to as a drinker, is I would just have to believe what anyone says. I mean, my memory was so bad, I would even ask my boyfriend, my good boyfriend, to tell me stories about our relationship, like the day we first met and our first date. I would like have him tell the story because my memory was so fuzzy. That's so embarrassing. He would remind me what we did for my last birthday, or his last birthday, or what we did last year for New Year's. Like, I just couldn't remember. So let me throw that in there as another thing I love about being sober, is my memory, although it's not incredible, it's so much better. Again, I just it feels like the complete opposite of what it was, which is like a superpower to me. Being able to remember things is such a gift. And also just for life in general, like I don't want my life to pass me by and I can't even remember some of the most joyous times of my life. That's horrible. And as a sober person, I remember everything perfectly, and I have those memories like logged in my brain, and I can remember how special things were. I don't want to have gone to Poland and um Vietnam and all these fun places I'm traveling to, and then be like, wait, I d I can't even remember the details because I drank through the whole thing. And I loved to drink when I did solo trips. I loved it. But then you'd get to the end and be like, wait, what just happened? And now I remember everything. It's such a blessing. I'm gonna do one like physical aesthetics one to end the episode, but I I love that I'm proud of my body, and I actually like the way I look for maybe the first time ever in my life. Because even before I got super into drinking, I was a model since I was like 15 years old, and so there's just a lot of pressure with your body, and my body image was just horrible from a really young age. And then I started drinking, and it seemed like impossible to stay thin because I would just always be drinking and bloated and red and cellulite and couldn't lose weight, and um I just always prioritized alcohol over my health. And now I'm so healthy on the inside that I feel it reflects on the outside, and I like the way that I look, and it's just so peaceful to not be bogged down by like hating myself every day. I mean, I used to hate my hair, hate my nails, hate my stomach, hate my double chin, hate my skin texture, hate my butt, hate my thighs, hate my cellulite. Like I just hated so many things about myself, and I would look in the mirror and just really not like what I saw. And now I feel like I'm pretty content with where I'm at. And you know why? It's not even about how I physically look, although I'm not gonna lie, that makes me feel quite confident as well. But it's about prioritizing health and longevity. And I know that I'm making smart decisions through building muscle, prioritizing protein, eating good ingredients, stretching, you know, doing all these really healthy things, not consuming poison every single day, trying to get fiber. Um, I'm doing all these things to focus on my health and longevity. And if you shift your focus from what you look like on the outside to instead how you feel on the inside and like wanting to live a long, healthy life, it's it's just such a healthier outlook. Um, and oftentimes being healthy on the inside does reflect on the outside. If you are taking care of yourself, your hair will be thicker, your nails will be stronger, your skin will be more glowy and smooth, your cellulite might go away, you might lose some weight, um, you might start building muscle and fit a little better into those genes or whatever. Like, making good decisions for your health and longevity does reflect on the outside, but it shouldn't be like the priority to aesthetically look good physically, but instead take care of what's going on on the inside. And that's what I try to tell people who are like, I've been sober for six months and I've only gained weight. And I'm like, okay, but you're probably eating right. You're not poisoning yourself and literally destroying your organs. Um, your mental health is probably better. Like, there are so many good things happening on the inside, it doesn't have to reflect on the outside. It probably will if you stick with it long enough. And I'm not just saying like weight loss, I'm just saying like health looks good. Being sober looks good on the outside. But if you are sitting there a year sober, two years sober, 15 years sober, and you're like, I can't lose weight, I've only gained weight, whatever. You are still healthier on the inside than you were when you were poisoning yourself every day with alcohol. So you're doing a good job. That is a good thing. Sobriety will always be the answer, and it shouldn't be just for like physical aesthetics. But anyway, that is another thing I love about being sober, is just like feeling confident in my body where I really haven't felt like that in over a decade. You know, uh, like 15 years, crazy. I just turned 30. Woo-hoo! Happy birthday to me, happy sober birthday to me, and happy day for wherever you're at in your sobriety. I am so proud of you. Keep going, celebrate the little wins, even if you're like one week sober, two weeks sober, double digits, 10 days, like 90 days. Those are all huge milestones. Celebrate every single one of them. And with that, love you guys. Thank you for listening, and I will see you for the next episode. If you feel like leaving a rating or a view, I would highly appreciate it. And don't forget to join our sobriety support group. Bye.