Isolation, dating, and friendships

In this episode of The Sober Scoop, we’re talking about the roller coaster of sobriety, relationships, friendships, and isolation. The sober journey can feel so personal that letting someone new into your life can feel uncomfortable at times. We’re diving into the highs, lows, and what it looks like to finally feel ready to date again.

More resources: TheSoberScoop.com

FB support group: @The Scoop Troop

IG: @thesoberscoop

Personal IG: @indiagants

TikTok: @thesoberscoop

YouTube: @thesoberscoop

Email: hello@thesoberscoop.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Sobriety is a very individual journey, at least it has been for me. I didn't do AA or rehab, and so the community aspect was never really a part of my journey, other than this podcast, and of course our wonderful Facebook group, which subtle plug, if you're not a member of our Facebook group, you should join. It's called the Scoop Troop. The link to join is in the description of every episode. But anyway, I've been doing this very much on my own, and it's been a beautiful journey. I have learned so much about myself, my likes, my dislikes, but as I've talked about in previous episodes, it has isolated me. And the word isolated has a very negative connotation. It has not been a negative experience. I have loved just getting to know myself and connecting with myself and focusing on myself for the first time in a long time. It's like for once, alcohol is not the priority. My life is the priority, and getting to explore all the different aspects of life has been so beautiful. With that said, I have struggled a little bit in the friend department. I have struggled, I mean, big time in the dating department, aka, I have not gone on a date the entire time I've been sober, other than one random airport date, but that's a story for another time. Um, anyway, it's a very individual journey and it's been a beautiful one. I'm having this contradiction, I guess, between what I currently want, which is I'm so happy on my own, I want to be alone, I'm working on myself, I'm building my business, all these good things, and then what I want in the future, which is like obviously I want to find my person. I want to have a husband, I want kids, I want little mini me's running around, and like we have this family unit, and we have a house on a big plot of land, we're running around in the sunshine. I mean, I envision that for myself. I feel in my soul that I'm destined to be a mother, but that contradicts what I want right now, which is to focus on myself. So today we're gonna be talking about, I would say the arc, but it's really more of a roller coaster journey of independence, self-identity, and where friendships and romantic relationships come in with that. So let's jump right into today's episode. So I've talked about this in another episode that was titled like isolated in sobriety or something like that. And truly that that's what it's been, and not in a negative way. The word isolated is so scary and it sounds like you're so lonely and you're isolated from everyone. In certain situations, the I the word isolated is bad. For example, when I was in my really bad relationship, I isolated from my friends and family in a bad way. Okay. And now I'm isolated but not in a bad way. I don't know how to describe it. It's like I I see my family on a regular basis and they fuel my soul. I see my best friends as much as I need to, you know, once a month. To me, that's enough. Um, but outside of that, like I am just really focused on myself and growing my business and becoming the person I want to be, focusing on fitness and nutrition and just doing the things that truly bring me joy. And I'm so happy. I am an introvert through and through. I'm not one of those like extroverted introverts. Like, no, I'm just straight up introvert, which maybe is a shock to you listening because I'm able to yap on this podcast for 30 minutes every single week. But mind you, I'm sitting alone in my apartment and I am for every single one of these episodes. So even that is isolated, but I I love it. I love being on my own. I love traveling alone. Traveling alone is one of my favorite things. I'm about to leave for a staycation and I'm so excited, but I also went to Vietnam recently by myself. I'm planning my next like European solo trip. I want to do another um Asia solo trip. So lots in the work that in the works there, but um, traveling alone is just one of my favorite things, and I'm loving this stage of life. I'm sorry to use the word isolated if that sounds negative, because it's really not. I'm just I'm on my individual journey, and that is what sobriety has been throughout this whole time. It's like it's very much been my own thing. I haven't really talked about sobriety that much, like in person. I have my amazing online community. You guys, like I'm DMing with you guys all the time, and I talk through this podcast. The online communities are where I connect, but I don't have that in person. It's been very much a solo journey, and it's been a beautiful one. Like, I don't know if I would have had the success that I have had so far in sobriety without just being very introspective and looking within and connecting with myself. So many of you guys messaged me about that isolated in sobriety episode, like, oh my god, this is so me. Like, finally, someone spoke my internal thoughts. Like, I think so many of us go on this individual journey in sobriety. And I think that's so okay. In fact, I think it's brilliant. I think it is healthy. I think it's us healing before we go put ourselves out into the world. And I'm still in that stage. I mean, just a random example. Like, I've talked about how I struggle with some ADHD symptoms, and that especially comes out in my organization, cleanliness, like doing my everyday routines and chores and things like that. And I recently had a stretch of like four days with almost no plans, and it was the most beautiful thing ever because I stayed at home. I mean, I went on my walks every day, which is part of my my introspective, independent, isolated journey, whatever you want to call it. Notice how all three of those words start with I and they're all about I, myself. Wow. Interesting random little English thing there. Um, but anyway, my walks are also how I connect with myself because I I could go on a walk for hours and hours and hours and listen to all my favorite podcast episodes, tune into an audiobook, whatever. Taking my walks by myself is literal therapy for me. So over the stretch of the four days, all I did was go on those walks, and then outside of that, I was at home. And finally, after being in this apartment for almost seven eight months now? Oh my god, no, June will be a year.

unknown 7:05

Huh.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Okay, so 11 months I've been in this apartment. Finally, it feels done and put together. Like, I got new laundry hampers. Get this. I got two laundry hampers, one for the bathroom, one for the bedroom. Each hamper has three compartments: one for clean clothes, one for dirty whites, one for dirty colors. And when I take off my clothes to get in the shower or get changed or whatever, every article of clothing has a place. It fits into one of those three categories. So why are there clothes on the ground? There won't be after this. That is my hope, is that I will no longer throw clothes on the ground because in no matter no matter which room I'm getting changed in, everything on my body has a place and it will go there. And the hampers have a lid, so they look nice and contained. Anyway, I got these hampers. I got a station for uh near my front door where all of my keys go, uh charging things, like my headphones. There's a place for everything. So I walk in the door and everything goes right there. My shoe rack is right there. I got, you know, just everything sorted how I wanted to. I cleaned out drawers and rearranged things so that I'm not like stuffing things in drawers that are so overpacked so that when I use something, I actually can put it away and I don't have to like rearrange things in order to fit the thing I just want to put away. All this to say, I spent the last four days just getting my life together and it felt so good. I actually well, okay, I'm not gonna say I got my inbox to zero because I'm just one of those people that will forever have 10,000 emails unread from years and years and years and years, but I got it, I I read every email and either deleted it or opened it or responded over the last, you know, couple weeks. What I'm saying is that I read everything that I needed to read. I responded, I acted. If I read an email and they needed me to sign a contract, I didn't click unread and leave it for later. I filled out the contract right then, signed it and returned it, moved on to the next email. I mean, I was just boom, boom, boom, like getting my life together, and it felt so good. I watched TV for the first time in like so long. It was just amazing. And those four days just focusing on myself has set me up for success in the coming weeks and months and so on. I just feel like this was hanging over my head for so long, and I finally did it, and it felt so good. And that's just a little taste of what this isolation and sobriety gives us. Like, we really do just take the time to give ourselves some TLC, whether that's in our work life and getting ahead or catching up on things, in our our personal life, like watching some videos, listen to listening to podcasts, doing therapy, reading books, like working on yourself, in your home life. I don't mean home life like your family or whatever, but home life like your house. Um, finally cleaning, finally scrubbing the the bath, getting your dishes done. It was just like everything that was hanging over me, I finally got it done. And so what I'm saying here is that doing those tasks that are so individual just make me feel amazing. And spending four days alone with myself is just amazing. I get so much done and it feels really, really good. That's what I love, that's what I enjoy. So I've gotten a little bit off course here, but what I'm what I'm saying, here is me who is loving working on myself. I mean, there's not maybe once every month and a half I'll have a little tinge of like, oh, it would be nice to have a significant other for this type of thing. Like when I was in Vietnam, I love solo traveling, but I was like, who can I send all these pictures to? Like, yeah, I was sending them to my family, but it's not the same, you know? Like I want I wanted to tell somebody all the juicy details and be texting them throughout my day. I didn't really have that. But that makes the solo journey so much more special, is that it really was just about me. I wasn't having to like get validation from anybody else. It was just my solo trip. So anyway, about one month, one and a half months, I'll get this tinge of, oh, I want somebody. But other than that, I'm so good on my own and happy on my own. With that said, what I foresee for myself in the future is a husband, is kids, is that family life. Like I would say that I'm a person with traditional values and I want that for myself. Like, I'm a relationship person, I'm not really somebody who dates around, and I do want to find my soulmate, and I feel like I'm destined to be a mom, so I want to have kids and everything like that. That life that I envision for myself completely contradicts the way I am living right now, which is I don't really go out with friends, I don't really have that many friends, I like being alone, I don't go on dating app dates or anything. Um, I I still am surrounded by people like when I see my family or when I play golf or when I go to these events, little influencer events in Seattle. I'm surrounded by people, but I'm not like actively making friends to hang out with people that much, if you know what I mean. Like I'm not just going out to dinner with a few friends. Like, that doesn't happen. Um, not complaining, I'm just saying that's not how I personally live my life, and I'm fine with that. I get enough social engagement at those events that I attend and the golf tournaments and whatever else. That's enough for me. So I get thinking to myself, this life that I am living and loving, by the way, does not set me up for the life that I want. Maybe it does, and I just don't know it yet. This is the other thing, is that everyone always says that it happens when you least expect it. Like you you meeting your person. And the thing is, I really do least expect it right now. And I haven't even like had anybody ask me out or anything. You know what I mean? So it's weird. Like, I am I'm not super spiritual, I'm not super religious, but I do have this feeling in my soul that like everything will make sense in hindsight. I don't know if I would say everything happens for a reason, but like I'll look back in 10 years from now, I'll look back and I'll be like, oh, everything makes perfect sense. That's how I feel right now looking back on my life. I mean, all that bad relationship that I went through, that good relationship that I went through, the decisions I made during COVID with that guy I was with in the bad relationship, like my alcohol problem, all of these things that have happened in my life, I look back and I'm like, oh, that makes sense now because it's led me to where I am today. It all, it all just makes sense. And it's like all those lows, I'm not gonna say they're worth it, you know, like going through that was so worth it because now I, you know, do all I'm where I'm at now. But it's like it just makes sense. It's all part of the process. I've learned so much, I've grown so much. And so I do believe that in 10 years I'll look back and I'll be like, oh, it all makes sense. I met my person exactly when I was supposed to. I spent a good chunk of time working on myself because I needed to to heal and become the best version of myself. I know it will all make sense. But it's just funny because like I listen to one of my favorite podcasts, is It's Me Tinks, T-I-N-X. If you don't listen, she's great. Um, but people call in all the time and they're asking about their relationships and things like that, the dating scene, whatever. And I have thought about calling in and asking her about this contradiction of like, yes, I want to meet my soulmate one day. I think it would be fun to go on some dates before I'm locked down forever, you know. But I also completely love my alone time. There's no part of me that needs another person in my life, and it's very weird to like want that forever person, want to go on dates and experience life, but then also just totally be okay with not. It I actually feel like I have to force myself sometimes to put myself in positions where I might meet somebody. You know, like it's gonna happen whenever it's gonna happen, but there's definitely some decisions that I make that's like, oh yeah, you should probably say yes to that and put yourself out there because you never know. And do you see what I'm saying? It's just this weird balance between I don't want to meet anybody, I want to focus on myself, and I want to meet my f my future partner. It's completely contradictory and it's confusing. I think about my solo trips, and I'm like, wait a minute, this is supposed to be my year where I'm doing all my solo trips because for the first time I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not locked down, I don't have to invite him anywhere. Um, so I'm just gonna like travel like crazy. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm not done traveling yet. I still want to do two to three more solo trips before I have a guy involved. I know you can still do solo trips when there is a guy involved, but let's be honest, it's harder. Like, oh sorry, I'm just gonna go to Vietnam for two weeks by myself and you can stay at home. I'll let you know how it goes. You know what I mean? If you're in a serious relationship, I feel like typically you extend the invite. I don't know. If you're in a relationship and you still go on solo trips, let me know how that works in your relationship. But anyway, it's like I still have some things I want to do. I s I I work sometimes until like midnight because I've realized in sobriety I am a bit of a night owl. I actually get this like um spark of productivity around 10 p.m. every night. And like, uh I don't know, something clicks in me. I'm like a werewolf, or I'm like, okay, now I can grind on emails, I put on my headphones and I can clean my place for three hours. Like, I just get in the zone, you know what I mean? So I've learned that I'm a bit of a night owl. And I think to myself, like, I'm working on so many projects right now. I'm starting things, I'm like kind of getting my career going, if you will. Uh and I don't want to have to like disrupt my workflow to go out on to a dinner date with my boyfriend. That sounds so horrible because obviously that would be really fun. But right now I am grinding and working on myself. So I'm sitting here thinking, I don't want to meet my person yet, but then it's like I want to meet them eventually. And I'm almost 30. I'll be 30 next month. And just timeline-wise, things aren't lining up. I'm trying not to obsess over that because I'm somebody that even though I want children, I don't really, at least right now, I think I don't care how that happens. Like I'm open to adoption. I'm thinking about freezing my eggs, you know. We'll see what happens. Um but yeah, of course, there's like the timeline thing that's in my head. Like, okay, if I want all those things, I bet I better get going on it, you know. But I try not to think about that because, like I said, everything is going to happen as it should. And that girl Tinks, who has the podcast that I was talking about, she's 34 and single and just has such a good outlook on this. She even did an episode recently called Decentering Your Age. And I just loved that because focusing and hyper fixating and obsessing over our age isn't gonna make things happen any faster, and it's gonna lead to like a sense of desperation. And I am not desperate, okay? Like I said, I'm so happy on my own. I don't really want to meet my guy right now, so I'm the opposite of desperate. Yet here I am thinking, oh gosh, you know, running out of time to meet my guy. Do you see the contradiction that I am struggling with right now? It's so weird. It's so weird to be somebody who loves individual time and has had such an individual journey through sobriety and everything, and then also wanting to meet my person and have a family and all that good stuff. If you've been sober longer than I have, maybe you could advise on like when you start to feel like you would be ready to welcome in a partner. Because right now I don't really feel ready, and I feel like it's only getting worse. Like, I'm only falling more in love with being alone the longer I am single. Like I I love it. I love watching what I want, I love eating what I want, I love making my own schedule, I love traveling alone. Maybe I should do a whole episode about like amazing things about being single, because there are so many amazing things, and I don't want this episode to feel like I'm wishing I wasn't single, because clearly I'm having a grand old time. Too grand. Too grand to where I'm probably never gonna find somebody because I'm too obsessed with being alone. Do you see what I'm saying? It's like I'm happy being alone, but I want to find somebody eventually. I sound like a broken record. I've said that so many times this episode, you get the idea. Now, I just want to talk about dating in general and dating in sobriety. This is probably the fourth episode I've done that where I've like touched on dating in sobriety, but I still to this day don't really have any juicy stories for you because I just don't be going on dates. Okay. Another contradiction in my mind is like, I it's almost summer, like I'm just feeling those vibes. Like, I would love to just go on random dates. Somebody, some guy asked me on a date, I'm like, sure, yeah, let's do it. I would love to like be flirty with some guys on a boat this summer. Like, it all sounds really fun to me, but then I wonder if I am that type of person who can just have fun and be flirty anymore, or if I am very intentional and wanting to meet my person because those are the values I have, but I also would be down to just be fun and crazy and whatever, but I don't know if I have that in me. I don't know if I have the fun and crazy in me. And that's another thing, it being sober and in the dating world is like I don't even know who I am as a dater. I feel that I have learned who I am in every other aspect. I've learned what I enjoy, what I don't enjoy, where I'm going, what I want, like where I want my career to go. I've learned good things about myself. Bad things about myself, everything. But I don't know who I am as far as the dating world goes. I don't know like what I desire. I don't know what I would be comfortable with. And I haven't even had the chance to see what I would be comfortable with. I mean, something that I think I may need to do just to get my feet wet is go on a dating app date. But here's the thing, sistas. Okay? I dating apps, when you sign up for a dating app, that means like I want to meet somebody. If you're doing it the right way, the healthy way, it should be like I'm ready to meet somebody, I want to go on dates, I'm seeking somebody else in my life. And so I think, why would I sign up for that app if I don't need somebody? I don't even know if I want somebody. I'm just like, oh, it would be fun to start dating and see if I meet my person. I'm not like I need somebody, I want somebody. And when you sign up for that app, I feel like you're saying, yes, I'm ready. I want someone in my life. This is why I don't want to do the dating apps, because I feel that if I meet somebody great, like if I'm out and about and I meet someone, okay, cool. But signing up for those apps is like I'm I want to meet somebody, actively looking for somebody. And that's not me right now. So I feel like I should get my feet wet by going on a dating app date, but then I don't want to be on the dating apps, you know, and I'm also too scared. I've never done that before and it freaks me out. Actually, I think I did do one back in the day, but that was at like the height, height of my drinking problem uh before I met my good boyfriend after the really bad relationship. And that's when I was on Raya in LA, and so I felt like people were a little bit more vetted. Anyway, I hardly even remember that date because I drank so much beforehand and I cried on the date because I was fresh out of that horrible relationship and I cried on the date. How embarrassing. First date was somebody and I am bawling. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I was like just bawling. I was clearly not ready to be on that date. But anyway, since then I have not been on an app date, and I'm a little scared. But I feel like it would kind of get me in that zone, right? I also, people are also telling me that in Seattle nobody approaches anybody in person. Like in LA, that would happen all the time. But in Seattle, it's not really happening. I'm also not going out to the bars or going out to clubs like I used to, so that's a whole other element. Is like, how do you meet the right people? I mean, I golf, I play volleyball, so I meet people that way, but why has nobody asked me on a date? I don't know. I feel that since I'm kind of a serial monogamous too, I'm probably giving out those vibes that I'm taken because for the last seven years, I have been taken, and I've been closed off to meeting anybody, so I'm probably giving closed-off vibes. Who knows? But it's just so weird. This journey, that's why I called it a roller coaster. It's not an arc, it is a roller coaster of wanting a relationship, wanting to be alone, wanting to make new friends, not feeling like I connect with anybody. It's just very weird. I think that's why my family means so much to me, is because I don't even consider that like hanging out with friends or putting social energy out there. To me, being with my family is almost like being by myself because they are just like my comfort people. They get me, they've seen my journey, they understand. It's a low effort hangout when I hang out with my family. So I think that's why my family relationship means so much to me. And it's just very weird to think about bringing new people in, whether that's friends or more than friends. It's just weird. And right now, at this exact moment, I'm pretty capped out at myself and my family. I'm not all that down to hang out with loads of friends, make new friends, or go on dates. It's not super what I want. But then sometimes a Friday night randomly rolls around once a month where I'm like, oh, this would be a good date day. Or I pass a nice restaurant and I'm like, oh, I'd love to go to that restaurant, but who am I gonna go with? Like, you know, uh, I don't have any dates. Um, that would be a fun date spot. So it's weird. It's weird. And I think that's the point of this episode is like, if you're feeling weird in the dating or friendship department as a sober person, you are so not alone. And the fact that so many of you wrote to me and commented on the episode about I being isolated in sobriety and like connected with it so much, that just shows how many of us feel the same way. So thank you guys for making me feel so comfortable and seen. And I hope that by me talking about this, you feel so comfortable and seen. There is no one right way or normal way to do things. We just have to do what feels right for us. And right now, this is what feels right for me, just doing my own thing. And I think that when I am in a relationship one day, when I do have that husband and the kids and the plot of land running outside, I think I will look back and be so grateful I had this time to just be selfish and focus on me and run around and travel and just do whatever I wanted to. And what I definitely don't want is to spend this precious time I have as a single girl living alone and being my own individual person stressing about being in a relationship. Like I am not trying to spend this precious small amount of time that I have wishing I was in a relationship. The future me, the relationship me, is going to really miss this time. So I'm trying to cherish it and not stress out and just embrace it for what it is. So try to take on that mentality if you're in the same boat. And I, like I said, I don't think any way is the right or wrong way. Maybe you jumped into a relationship the moment you got sober with somebody you met in AA. Who knows? For everybody, it looks different. But in 10 years, we're gonna look back and be like, it all made sense. So feel good and comfortable and confident in whatever path you're taking. It's all data, right? It's all just learning more about ourselves. This is teaching me a lot about myself, about what I want in a person, about who I am, who how I put myself out into the world. I'm always learning it's data. I'm continuing to build that sobriety toolbox that I talk about so much. So, anyway, thank you for tuning in to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, feel free to leave a review or a comment. I love reading the comments from you guys. And as always, you can um reach me directly. I'll leave the email in the description here, as well as the link to the Facebook group and all the other amazing resources we have at the Sober Scoop. So thank you for tuning in. I will see you for the next one. Bye.