Dealing with shame, embarrassment, and guilt

We’ve all felt regret or embarrassment from the choices we made when we were drinking. And thinking back on those moments can feel really heavy.

Today, we’re talking about that guilt and the one thing that actually helps you move forward instead of staying stuck in it. Tune into today's episode if you want some relief from your past, and to move forward proudly.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

In today's episode of The Sober Scoop, we're going to be talking about the guilt and shame that comes before sobriety and when you finally get sober, it remains. That was one of the toughest feelings to work through, and I still feel it to this day. Almost two years sober. There are some things that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over, but I do the best I can. We all have to do the best that we can. And I'll talk about this later in the episode, but the biggest apology that we could ever give to the people we may have hurt in the past is sobriety. Like changing our lives and showing improvement through action is the only way to relieve yourself of that guilt and shame. So without further ado, let's jump right into today's episode. So I'm gonna start this episode with something a little bit controversial. As you probably know, I personally did not go to AA. But with that said, I have nothing against AA, and I think it is a wonderful resource to exist out there. Now, does that mean that AA is for everybody across the board? Absolutely not. So, whatever camp you're in, you know, we're all on the same team here, we're all under the sober umbrella. But I'm gonna talk about a step of AA. It's one of the 12 steps, I'm pretty sure. And that is to like go to the people that you may have hurt in the past and apologize and just rid yourself of that guilt for what you may have done to them. Now, uh on one side of things, I totally understand how that would be the most healing experience. Like, kind of selfishly for the person getting sober, it takes that weight off their chest and it makes them feel good about starting with a clean slate and beginning on their sober journey. But on the other hand, and this is just how my brain works personally, if I went around and told everyone that I'm gonna change, I'm gonna become a better person, I'm so sorry for behaving like this, I would have been so scared that I wouldn't be able to stick to it. Now, again, this is just two types of people and there's no right or wrong. But if I I mean, I don't think I would have been ready to go up to everybody and tell them, I'm so sorry and forgive me for what I have done. Maybe now, two years nearly into sobriety, I would feel good about doing that. But even then, I it's like I don't even like talking about my past self. I prefer to just show that I have changed through action. It's like saying it almost curses it for me. I think that's why, in general, if somebody had told me to watch out for my drinking or like you're going a little too overboard. In fact, I did have one person tell me that at one point, and it just makes me want to go in the complete opposite direction. So early in sobriety, going around and telling people I'm sorry and I'm gonna change and I'm this new person, I think it's almost setting yourself up for failure. I don't think there's anything wrong with it if it's the right way for you, but I'm just talking about me personally, it would have set me up for failure because I would have said, oh my God, now I have to be this whole new person. And it's like I wasn't ready to become a whole new person. I know I I knew I wanted to make some changes for sure, but I didn't know what my life was gonna look like down the road. I was just not drinking alcohol for a second, so I could figure out what life was going to look like. I needed to meet a better version of myself, and slowly over two years, I have become a better version of myself, and I'm still working on it, to be honest. I mean, listen to my ADHD episode. There are still quite a few things that I am working through in my sober journey, but I wanted to just present both sides of the coin because I think both have their ups and their downs, of course. Like in AA, I don't know what step that is. I'm sure it's pretty late in the steps because you kind of want to do all the other work first, right? And then go up to the people and rid yourself of the guilt, start with a clean conscience, and move forward. Uh, but yeah, coming clean to everybody and announcing that I'm gonna be this different person, it just would have, it would have sent me in the wrong direction, just knowing myself and what type of personality I am. But I can totally see how it would be beneficial. You're like, I gotta clear away everything from the past before I can start improving upon myself. There's this quote, I can't remember what it is, and I literally just saw a TikTok video about this, so I can't believe that I can't remember it. But it was basically saying you have to stop all the bad habits before you can build good habits. And I agree with that. It's like for me personally, I had to kick out alcohol before I could start weightlifting, before I could start working on my nutrition, before I could address mental health issues. You know, I had to just get rid of the booze, the the really bad habit that I had. And so similarly, with this guilt stuff, before you start working on yourself and becoming a better person and embarking on your sober journey, it's like you want to rid yourself of all the guilt for wronging these people. So I get it. I totally get why that's a step and I see the value. So whichever direction you choose to go, either going up to everybody that you've wronged and apologizing to them and righting your wrongs, or just starting sobriety and proving that you are a better person now through your actions, I think both ways have benefits. But now that we've gone through that, let's move on to just what it feels like to experience that guilt and shame and sobriety and why we feel it and how to feel better. I felt quite a bit of guilt, but luckily I didn't do anything too horrible to where I need to, you know, make these grandiose apologies. I really should apologize to myself for torturing myself for so long and making some life-altering decisions that I'll never be able to take back. So that's my guilt, is mostly for myself and the decisions that I have made. But the one I feel most strongly is the shame or embarrassment of it all. I'm embarrassed of the person I used to be. I'm especially embarrassed when it comes to my last relationship that I was in, the good boyfriend that I had, because he was so great to me. He was there for me through all of this, but I was this version of myself that looking back, I'm so ashamed of. I was out of shape. I isolated myself so that I could drink alone. I prioritized alcohol over our relationship. I brought so much baggage into that relationship from my previous relationship that was the really, really bad one. I realized with him that I probably have ADHD and that's what's causing me to drink so much. It was just such a roller coaster of a relationship, and I was literally at my worst. And I was blessed enough to actually see him about a year after our breakup. And it was, I guess that was a very healing experience for me. He didn't seem to be too moved by it. He saw me as the same person, which was really special to know that the people in your lives who are with you at your lowest points, like they still see you for who you truly are. So let that relieve you of some shame or some guilt right off the bat. I mean, think of somebody you know in your life who is struggling in some way. You don't see them for just that struggle. You see them for everything they are and all the amazing memories you've shared together. And you know them to their core, and you think of all of those qualities before you think about that thing that they're struggling with. Well, the same thing goes for you. I think of that time in that relationship as my lowest. That was the worst I have ever been with my alcohol, with my weight, with my work. I mean, I got to a point where I was just at a really, really low, low, low. And he still loved me for me. He saw the true me somewhere inside there. And I think that's why a year after our breakup, it wasn't like that revolutionary for him to see me because he still saw me, even though I looked like a completely different person. I was a year and some change sober, like the everything about me was different. But for him, he saw the same me. He always loved me to my core. And so let that right there relieve you of some guilt is that people you see your lowest, you see all those qualities. Those are at the forefront of your mind. But the people in your lives who truly love you, your significant other, your kids, your parents, your siblings, whoever, your best friends, they know you to your core and they love you for who you are, despite all those things. So even though you're feeling horrible about not being your best self or some mistakes you made, like just know that through all of that they saw you for who you really are. Another kind of embarrassing element that I think about all the time is so many different situations where I wonder if people knew that I was drunk. This one is really rough for me because some of them are work-related. And I used to do these conferences. I I would speak at these conferences in front of hundreds of doctors, and I was speaking about how they can implement social media into their practice. And I drank before every single one of those. And at at one point they stopped inviting me back, and it could have been because it's the end of our contract, you know, we we work together for about a year. Could be different budgets, could be they're gonna get a different speaker for the next year of conferences. But I will never know. I will never know if one of those times they knew that I was drinking. They could smell the alcohol on me. Maybe one of those doctors that I talked with one-on-one told my supervisor or whatever, the person who was booking me, that I smelled like alcohol. It could be anything. I also started looking like an alcoholic, really. Um and they were booking me as America's next top model, like this gorgeous girl who they're supposed to recognize from the show, and I look like a completely different person. I will never know if they stopped booking me because it was the end of the contract or end of budgets or whatever, or if it was because I was looking like an alcoholic, I was behaving irresponsibly, irresponsibly, drinking before every conference, every speech I had to give. I may have smelled like alcohol, I don't know. And that uncertainty, like, kills me. I I want to know if they knew that I was drinking. I want the boss that let me go for my job. I I want to know if he knew that I had beer in my mug while we were on our work calls. I want to know if certain friends knew that I pregamed our brunches. Like we were gonna get brunch and have mimosas and stuff, and I show up already wasted. I want to know if they knew that. Or maybe I don't want to know. But the point is that uncertainty and not knowing whether people knew I was drunk in various situations, that part hurts me a bit. I'm like, I I just don't I don't even know who I have to explain myself to or who I have to apologize to, because I don't even know who knew my secret. And the community talks about secrets a lot. Like, a lot of times I see jokes online about how you think that you're hiding your alcohol problem so well, but everybody actually knows. Well, I think if you were extremely high-functioning, like me and some others in this sobriety community, like I I can confidently say I hit it pretty dang well. I mean, m my boyfriend told me, that boyfriend who I dated at the end there, um, he told me that he would notice I'd come over at noon or something already smelling like alcohol. Because he would kiss me and I would taste like alcohol, you know. Um he knew that I pregamed things that I said I didn't pre-game, you know? Or I would never lie and say I didn't pre-game, but I'd say I had one or two when really I had seven. Um yeah, but in general, I think I hid my problem very well. And I feel like every person with an alcohol problem thinks they hid their problem well. And some probably didn't. I probably didn't in a lot of situations, but in a lot of situations I also did. I did hide it pretty well. But what I'm saying here is in those moments where my boyfriend did notice, or a friend noticed, or a colleague noticed, or whatever, I'll never know specifically in which situations those were. I have like second-hand embarrassment for my old self. Like I'm not currently embarrassed about it, but I'm like, oh my god, I should have been embarrassed. If that makes any sense. The whole concept of hiding an alcohol problem is so complicated. There's so many layers to it, and the guilt and shame that comes with knowing I was attempting to hide from literally everyone, is overwhelming sometimes. One thing that I'm extremely guilty about, and I've talked about this a lot on here, and it's a really touchy subject, and most sobriety creators or podcasters will not come out and say that they have done this. So I'm being really raw and real and open by saying this, and I'm so embarrassed to say this. But I I drove under the influence on several occasions and miraculously never hurt myself or anybody else. And that right there is something I am so guilty for, and I will forever be guilty for. Like I thank God nothing bad happened, but because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it's not gonna happen to somebody else. I mean, it happens all the time. Sadly, that's such a common thing, and it's just I can't believe I was putting myself and others in risk at risk so many different times throughout my drinking problem. I had other people in the car with me sometimes. I'd say that I was fine when I knew I wasn't. I mean, I made so many poor decisions, and putting myself at risk is one thing, but getting on on the road with people in my car and other people on the road when I'm not in a good place to drive is just horrible. An awful, awful thing that I chose to do. How did I not get a DUI? That's one thing about sobriety that I love so much is that I know I'm never gonna get a DUI. I am never, ever in my entire life going to get a DUI. Do you know how much of a fear that was when I was drinking a lot? I was constantly scared of a DUI. Because yeah, there were a few occasions where it was like bad and I really should not have been behind the wheel. I mean, you shouldn't be behind the wheel at any state if you've been drinking at all. But there were a lot of situations where I had had one beer or something like that, and I'm I just have it in my system, or two beers or something. I drove with a slight buzz quite often, and it was always, always a fear of mine that I would get pulled over and get a DUI and be in prison. I was so scared for that, and now that is just so liberating that I don't have to think about that anymore, and I try to run with that, as guilty as I am for all the mistakes that I made with regard to driving and drinking, or drinking and driving, as they call it, um I'm never gonna do it again. And that right there is my apology to the world. I am so sorry that I did that, or ever did that. And as my apology, I stopped drinking altogether, and I am never gonna put somebody else in harm's way by getting in the getting in a vehicle under the influence. Never again. And that is my apology. That's all I can do. I furthermore, I could speak on it. I could speak about not drinking and driving. I try to implement that a little bit into my content here on the podcast, but in general, promising the world that I'm never going to drink again, period, and especially never get in the car to put other people's lives at risk. That is my apology right there. And so what I'm saying with this is for the guilt you may have, sobriety is uh in a lot of ways the apology. Sobriety is showing the world or the your circle, the people in your lives, that you're not gonna make those same mistakes again. You're so regretful about those mistakes that you're not even consuming the substance that made you make those mistakes in the first place. You are completely writing off alcohol altogether to show how sorry you are. That's the biggest apology right there. Saying sorry, for sure, it does something. I mean, yeah, I I think it's mostly a selfish thing to clear your own conscience as the person who drank. Um, I don't think it does a lot for the other person. I think the other person wants to see you sober. They want to see you never doing what you did to them again. You're probably thinking of a specific situation in your life where you've made a decision that you are regretful about. It not just the drinking and driving, but it could be something you did to a particular person. You wronged a friend or a significant other, or you lied, or you you did something. We've all done something that we regret. And the biggest way to show that you are sorry is sobriety. That's what that person wants for you. That's how you show them how sorry you are, is by getting sober. And I think unfortunately, that's pretty much all we can do as far as clearing our conscience. I mean, I am so embarrassed for who I was, how I behaved, I'm guilty for the mistakes that I've made. And you can't take back the past, unfortunately. But there's something inside me that feels that everything happens for a reason. And we always look back at our lives and everything kind of makes sense, right? So all those things that you've done, all the things you might be guilty for or shameful of, they're they wrote your story. And now you can only move forward. Unfortunately, I wish we could go back in time and take those mistakes back. But maybe if I didn't make those mistakes, I wouldn't have gotten sober. You know what I mean? So it all leads you to where you're supposed to be. And we can't take it back. We can only move forward. So that's my biggest advice to work through the guilt and shame is to become a better person. Show the people that you have hurt how how great you're doing, how much you've changed. That's the biggest apology we can give. I also feel regret, or I guess guilt, about not getting sober sooner. Now that I know how good life is in sobriety, I'm so angry at myself for not doing it sooner. I'm so angry that I put my body at risk because one of the reasons I got sober was because I started having discomfort in my liver area. And I think I have done damage to my body. The liver can repair itself, but I've probably done some things that are irreversible, whether that be to my brain or my liver or my skin, whatever. Some things are irreversible, and I regret not quitting earlier. I'll never forget when I saved my first sobriety video. I saw a video that this creator posted about her one year of sobriety on Instagram, and I saved it. It was a year and a half after I saw that video that I finally quit drinking. A year and a half where I was thinking about sobriety and considering it and trying to negotiate with myself and trying to moderate. Don't get me started on moderating. That is the most exhausting thing you can possibly do. And that's what I tried to do. I tried everything. I tried only Drinking on the weekends, only drinking past 5 p.m., only drinking hard alcohol because I loved beer, wine, and seltzer so much. I tried literally everything, and for a year and a half I thought about getting sober. It's like I knew that I I would one day, but it took me a year and a half to finally do it. And it took a selfish thing, my liver starting to hurt, and having that health scare where I was basically scared straight into sobriety. It took that for me to get sober. Why? Why couldn't it have been recognizing my patterns, being embarrassed by my behavior, not reaching my fullest potential? Why did it take that health scare? I'm regretful of that. There are so many different things. As sober people, we carry a lot of guilt and shame. And what I encourage you to do, which is what I do, I'm not a therapist, so who knows if this is the healthiest advice. But I just think about moving forward. I am on a journey to become the best version of myself. It started with sobriety, then I lost weight, I got in shape, I got my nutrition in order. I'm working on my mental health. I'm I feel so satisfied in every area of my life. I'm still single, so I also look forward to meeting a partner and like growing my family. And I'm just trying to become this amazing version of myself, and I'm always working on something. And for me, focusing on the future is the only way I can even attempt to heal from the past. I don't, well, I was gonna say I don't make this podcast for selfish reasons. In the beginning, maybe I did, because this making these podcast episodes was my version of therapy. I would come on this mic and I would just talk about everything that was on my mind, all my struggles. And for me, it was therapy. Now I would say I'm at a point where I'm making this for the scoop troop, my wonderful sobriety community here. I'm I don't need to be making these for myself anymore. I'm doing it for you guys. And I'm so happy to do that. I'm happy to be this voice of re or voice of inspiration, I don't know, a relatable voice in your head while you're on this sober journey. So what I was gonna say is maybe consider doing something to pay it forward. I think that can help relieve you of some guilt. I mean, I know that for me, when I started my sobriety TikTok page really early on, and I was getting a million messages and questions, and I was just putting myself out there in a really vulnerable way. I felt like I was paying it forward. I'm like to heal from that guilt, I can help other people repair themselves. I can help them move through sobriety easier. I can share the mistakes that I've made. I can share things I would change, I can share what to expect. I sobriety has changed my life so much that through the TikTok page and this podcast, I want to just pay it forward. And so I think maybe doing something to pay it forward could be another way to relieve some guilt. That can look different for everybody, right? Like I mentioned the drinking and driving thing. For me, that's something I feel very guilty and ashamed about. So maybe I could go around and speak on that subject. But for whatever it is in your journey that you feel guilty, guilt about, maybe you cheated on your husband or something, maybe you can pay that forward and talk to groups about how to avoid that happening or how to work on your marriage, or you know, whatever. I'm just making up random stuff. But whatever your situation is, whatever you're carrying guilt for, see if you can pay it forward. I think that's a way to relieve yourself of some guilt and shame. And then just becoming a better person. Like I said, that is the biggest apology you can give is getting clean, getting getting sober, and showing through action that you are changing. Not just saying, I'm so sorry I did this to you, I won't do it again. Like words mean so little, in my opinion. That's why I didn't even want to tell people that I was getting sober. I just wanted to do it. And they would see eventually that I've been sober, you know? Saying I'm getting sober, it freaks me out. It freaked me out in the beginning. Now I love talking about it, obviously. But in the beginning, saying that I'm sober freaked me out because I'm like, what if I don't stick to it? What if I drink in this way, but not in this way? I didn't know what my life was gonna look like, so I didn't want to be definitive. Saying that you're getting sober and you're gonna change and you're never gonna do this again, blah, blah, blah, it's just words. People want to see actions. So the biggest apology, the biggest way to relieve your guilt, relit what did I say, relieve your guilt and shame is to show that you have changed. And that is what I will leave you with today. I wish we didn't have to live with all that guilt and shame, but so many of us do. And we can only move forward. So stay strong. You got this. Much love, and thank you for listening to today's episode. I will see you next week for another one. Bye.

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Bye.