Doing things alone will change your life

After traveling solo in Vietnam, India realized something shocking: most people are afraid to be alone… and it’s prohibiting them from becoming their best selves. In this episode, she breaks down how doing things alone can rebuild confidence, clarity, and sense of self -and why learning to be a little selfish might be the key to changing your life.

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Transcript

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Doing things alone, while it may be intimidating, I think it is essential for personal growth and getting to know yourself. I think back to all of my past relationships, and I truly believe that I was in those relationships because I was incomplete as a human being, and I like needed somebody else to provide me with the source of happiness, a source of comfort. Like I needed somebody else to feel complete. And now I've gotten to a point through my sobriety and moving back to my hometown and having a job that I love. I feel complete as an individual, to where eventually I'll be ready to hopefully bring in somebody else who is a full, complete individual themselves, and we kind of both enhance each other's lives. We don't need each other, but we want each other and we thrive as a unit. That's what I hope for. But today's episode is about doing things alone because I think that being comfortable alone, doing things alone, is key to our personal growth and really getting to know ourselves. And the way that this relates to sobriety is because the sober journey is so individual. I've talked about this in a previous episode, but you just like you can talk to other people, you can lean on other people, you can join support groups, you can have a sponsor, you can go to rehab, you can do all of these things, but your unique sober journey is just yours. Like all the things that you struggle with, all your internal thoughts, all your little wins that you celebrate by yourself, like those are your moments. And sobriety is quite an individual experience. Even if you have community to lean on and everything like that, it really is your journey to have. Like it's just you and your sobriety. So I think that in sobriety we naturally just really connect with ourselves. And going beyond that, I think that we really connect with ourselves when we travel alone, when we go out to a cafe and we sit alone, when we go for a walk alone. There are so many benefits to doing things alone. And I'm somebody who literally loves being alone. At this point, like I enjoy being alone more than hanging out with just about anyone, if I'm being honest. It allows me to do whatever I want whenever I want. It allows my frickin' thoughts that go at 100 miles an hour at all hours of the day to just thrive and flourish in my head without annoying anybody. Um yeah, I love being alone. I love being in touch with myself. I am my favorite person to hang out with, and I think that is a beautiful thing to have happened in my adulthood. So today we're gonna be talking, we are going to be talking about getting to know yourself, doing things alone, all that good stuff. So let's jump right in, shall we? So you're probably sick of hearing it, but I recently went to Vietnam and I did that trip by myself. And to me at this point, I've done so many things alone, I do so many things alone all the time, that that's like not a huge deal. But when I was posting videos, people were like, oh my god, you you went to Vietnam by yourself? You planned this all by yourself? Like, yes, and that's exactly how I wanted it. I mean, one of my friends was like, Oh, I would have gone with you. I could have taken time off and gone on that trip. And I was like, Yeah, I understand you could have, but I didn't want anyone to come with me. I really wanted this to be a solo trip. And if I'm being honest, by the end of it, like it was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what I wanted, and I wouldn't have changed it any other way. I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to come with me. It was perfect. And one reason that it's important to do things alone, I believe, is that so often in life we have to consider other people. We have to explain ourselves, we have to make sure that other people are comfortable. Whether you have kids or family or a partner, like obviously their comfort is probably important to you. But when you do things alone, that is like your one chance in life to do exactly what you want to do. And you don't have to consider when other people are hungry or when other people are tired or what they feel like doing. It is just all about you. You can be walking down the street and see something cool over there and just decide to go walk down there and explore that, even though your plan was to go to this cafe over here. Like you don't have to worry about ruining the plan. You listen to yourself and your body and your thoughts, and you do exactly what you want to do whenever you want to do it. If you planned on one night I planned on eating buncha because I hadn't had it yet, and I wasn't in the mood for bun cha when dinner came around. I was in the mood for something else, so I got something else. Like, yes, it was the plan to go to this buncha spot and get that for dinner, but I didn't feel like it. So I did something else, and I didn't have to explain myself, I didn't have to worry about hurting other people's feelings. I think, especially if you are a people pleaser or have been in your past in in history, um, doing things alone just lets you actually listen to yourself and recognize what you want to do, how you're feeling, you're really in tune with your thoughts, your body, your feelings. And we all deserve that. I think, especially as women, I don't know, because we're mothers, caretakers, things like that, we often just put our own feelings to the side. Like they matter less than other people's feelings. So when you take some time, even if it's something small, it doesn't have to be a two-week trip to Vietnam, but even if you do something small just for yourself, it lets you just selfishly think about you for a change. And I think that everybody needs that in life. Another reason I think it's important to do things alone is because you learn a lot of skills and you have to just like fend for yourself. And sometimes that's hard. Like one time I signed up for this bus in Vietnam and I ended up getting on three different buses and a boat. And I was like, wow, that's not what I expected when I bought my eight dollar bus ticket, but anyway, here we are. And then they dropped me off in the middle of like nowhere. And thank God for Google Maps and downloading the offline Google Maps with no Wi-Fi. Thank God I got a SIM card because they just dropped me off. And I was like, Where am I? Where's my hotel? Why am I on the side of the road by myself with my backpack? Like, and you just you just figure it out and you always figure it out. I I feel that when I'm alone, I rely, or well, I can't rely on other people, and so I have to just figure it out. And if you have a spouse maybe that is the planner in your household, or maybe you have a quieter personality, and when you're in a group setting, you usually just let other people take the reins. I mean, I think about myself. Um, have you ever done an escape room? First of all, I hate escape rooms, um, mostly because I fall to the wayside and hardly even participate. But that's what I was gonna say. Like, there's always other people who are louder, more passionate, more into it. And so I don't try to compete for like the spotlight. I just let myself fall into the background and I hardly participate in those um escape rooms. I actually think escape rooms are like uh, what do you call those? A personality test. They are like a social experiment. That's the word I was looking for because it really shows who takes the lead, who falls behind, who gets quiet, whatever. I'm that person who gets quiet. So I in those escape room situations, I'm just waiting for everybody else to figure it out and like kind of participating where I can. But when you do things alone, you have to figure it out on your own, always. You have to figure out public transport and book the ticket and talk to people and ask questions and do your research, and you have to learn all these different skills that maybe you wouldn't have if somebody else was just taking the reins. As you're walking around the city, nobody else is looking at Google Maps telling you where to go. You have to be looking at the map and matching it with the street signs and figuring it out. You just have to figure it out when you're by yourself. So I think in that way you learn a lot of skills too. And if you have any questions, you ask people. Like that doesn't happen usually if I'm with somebody. I think about the guys I've dated in the past, and they're usually bigger personalities than I am. That's just kind of how it's worked out. It's like they are the more bold, outgoing one, and I am the more quiet one. And so if we're at a restaurant, like they're the one who's kind of talking with the waiter and making jokes and asking what's better, and I'm just sitting there, like with my order ready to go. They're usually just more social, and I'll just let them do their thing and I'll be quiet. But when I'm traveling by myself, if I have questions or need anything or like want to connect with somebody, I'm the one who has to speak up. So I find myself being more outgoing. I find myself chatting it up with the coffee person. I also think you meet so many interesting people when you're traveling, so I am like more interested to talk to people when I'm traveling because I'm like, they could be from anywhere in the world and I want to hear about their culture and what they do. So sometimes when I'm traveling, I I just feel like I'm meeting cooler people. So I think that gets me out of my shell. But if I was with somebody, especially like a bigger personality than me, I would just let them do the talking. I would let them talk to the cafe person. I would let them make friends with the person sitting next to us at this show. Like I, if I'm with somebody else, I'm not gonna be the one who's like getting us out of our shell, if that makes sense. But when I'm alone, I swear I become a different person. I mean, I made so many friends, I connected with so many people, it's actually crazy to think about. And then I get back to Seattle and I'm like, why don't I talk to the barista here? Why don't I say hello to the people in the elevator here? Like, I'm just so much more outgoing when I'm traveling, and it's really cool to be reminded of that side of me because parts of it I want to bring home with me. I was reminded that I have those qualities, that I am capable of being that way. And now that I'm home, I really want to bring some of those qualities to my regular life. I also think that if you're in a group, you're less likely to talk to people. Like if I'm traveling with a group of three people, so we're a group of four, and we sit down next to someone at the restaurant, like we're probably just gonna be talking to each other. You don't really have a lot of need to be like, oh hey, where are you guys from? What are you doing? But when you're solo traveling, you connect with so many people. I talk to everybody. The girl sitting next to me at the restaurant, the guy who sat next to me at the show, the person in front of me in line. Like I would just always make conversation with people because also I see that they're alone and I'm alone, and I just start talking to them. The amazing people that I met this trip, I really don't think I would have met if I was traveling with somebody. I did an amazing three-day, three-night motorcycle loop in rural Vietnam. And I was with this group of four Indian Malaysians who all came together, but they didn't really know each other either. They just booked through a group. Um, but anyway, I get paired as a a solo, a single, with these four people. And we got so close. I knew so much about all of their lives, like we just got to know each other really well. I loved learning about their culture. They loved learning about mine. It was so special, I think of if I was with a significant other, because for some reason in my past relationships, I really have been the one to kind of fall into the fade into the background. Like I let my partner shine more than me, and I always go for more outgoing people, which is interesting. Maybe that says something about my dating style, my personality as a whole. I don't know. But obviously, those relationships haven't worked out, so who knows? But anyway, if I was with a romantic partner on that motorcycle loop, like we would have been talking to each other a lot and talking to like just each other's guides, and it would have been almost like this romantic, intimate experience. But when I was by myself, I was like, why not make friends with these other four people who are in my group? Why not make friends with all the guides? I was talking to them, I think I was the guide's favorite because I was by myself, so I didn't have anybody to talk to. Um, I didn't have anybody to hang out with in the evening, so I would hang out with them. I would go out of my shell and hang out with these people. And I just think that like solo trips, you don't have the same experiences as when you're with someone else. And I think that is so beautiful. I've always wondered how that will work when I'm in a relationship because I have such a special place in my heart for solo travel. And I think while I'm single with no kids, that's why I want to travel a lot right now before I meet my person, because it's not like I couldn't do a trip without them, but isn't that kind of weird? Like, oh, I'm going to China for a month and like you're not invited. I don't know. I feel like that would just be weird. I feel like you always have to invite them. But I did meet this one older woman. She was probably like 65 on my trip. And I said, So do you have a husband and like kids or anything? She's like, Yeah, I have kids, and um, I'm divorced, but I do have a boyfriend of eight years, and um, and I said, Oh, so he doesn't mind like when you go and travel by yourself? And she said, No, I do some trips with him, I do some trips by myself, but he knows and understands that solo travel is so important and like a different experience. And I thought that was so interesting. I don't know if that's typical or if she's out of the norm, but like that was just so cool to know that like solo travel doesn't have to end when you quote unquote settle down. I've never been in that type of situation. In the relationships that I've been in, I feel like it would be really weird and I would be like judged if I did something by myself or they would be offended. But I love to do things by myself and it truly is like medicine for the soul doing solo trips. I I don't even know how to explain it. If you've done one, you know what I'm talking about, but you just have these incredible experiences that you wouldn't have had otherwise. And you know what else is cool is like, yes, you can show photos, you can show videos, but those experiences are just yours to have. And you'll never be able to put into words like the connections that you made and the views that you saw, and just that empowered feeling you felt navigating the city or being on the back of a motorbike in rural Vietnam, riding through the rice fields and the mountains, like uh connecting with somebody who doesn't even speak your language and you're having a conversation back and forth on Google Translate. You can't like explain to somebody the impact that those types of experiences had on you. And so you don't. You just you just have those for yourself. And how special. It almost feels like a movie. Like those are just those are just your special memories. And it's kind of similar to sobriety in that way, because like I said at the beginning of this episode, sobriety is very individual. Even though you might be able to listen to this podcast and um talk to the support group on Facebook and uh connect with people in your AA group or whatever you do, your journey is still your journey. And you can't explain the struggles that you felt in early sobriety or the empowerment that you felt when you didn't drink in a certain situation. Like those moments of of struggle, of joy, of whatever are just for you to feel on your own. And in life, having these individual experiences, be it travel or sobriety or taking a walk by yourself, whatever, going to the spa, having a self-care day, it's so important to connect with yourself and not do things with other people where their energy is outshining yours, where their needs are outshining yours, where they're dictating what happens next. Like when you do things alone, it's about you and everyone deserves to connect with themselves on that deeper level. And I just think it's so, so special. I already can't wait for my next trip. I'm considering Kyrgyzstan, um, like a horseback riding trip in Kyrgyzstan, which I need to do some horseback riding lessons if I'm gonna do that, because I want to be a little prepared. Um, I'm also considering China, I want to go to Indonesia. That one I might do with my sister. But yeah, I just I'm I'm addicted to solo travel. It's a great feeling. And when I read my comments and people are like, How are you doing this alone? How can you do that? Don't you get bored? What do you do all day? How do you plan everything? I'm like, dang, I think there are a lot of people who do not travel alone. And you know, I'm not I I don't like saying anyone should live their lives a certain way. I don't like when people say that to me, and so I'm not trying to say that to anyone else, but I will say that solo travel is so empowering, and getting to experience that has made me connect with my way, myself in ways I would have never expected. I feel so empowered, so connected with myself, so sure of who I am and what I want. I think sometimes we forget what we want. We forget what qualities we love in other people because we just accept what's in front of us. We forget what what food we love to try because our boyfriend doesn't eat that particular type of food or something. Like, haven't you ever dated somebody where they're like, oh, I hate sushi, I won't eat raw fish? And so for that entire two-year relationship, you don't eat any sushi or raw fish, and you're like, oh my god, I forgot I love sushi. Or your boyfriend's lactose intolerant and you never go out for ice cream, and then you become single and you're like, wait, I love ice cream. I'm gonna get ice cream. It's I don't know, you just remember what you like. You remember who you are. And I think that if we're talking about relationships, I will be a better person because I know myself so well, because I've dated myself, because I have loved spending time with myself. I don't think I should be looking for my other half. In fact, I hate that phrase, like she's my other half, he's my other half. I want somebody else who is full and complete, and we happen to complement each other as two fully complete, happy, satisfied individuals. I think that's what I will be looking for in my next relationship instead of somebody to fill in the gaps that I am lacking. So, anyway, that's that on solo travel and doing things alone, but just a couple of housekeeping items. First of all, the sobriety support group that we have, if you want to join, the link is always in the description. It's called the Scoop Troop on Facebook. It's a very supportive, uplifting community. You can post about your struggles, your successes, and everything in between, and everyone is super sweet and you can find people in your area. It's a wonderful place. So the Scoop Troop on Facebook, the link is in the description. Also, I'm going to start having guests on the show, which I am so excited about. It's been a little bit delayed because I was traveling and then I'm setting, I'm trying to set up the scheduling platform, just logistics, but we have some wonderful guests in the pipeline. You guys are going to love these episodes. I am having two brain doctors on the show to talk about alcohol's impact on the brain and how you can reverse that and heal that with sobriety. I am having a grief expert come on to talk about how to go through like the most horrific, awful things in life without turning to alcohol. She's gone through some things that, you know, a human being should never have to endure. And it'd be so easy to just turn to booze to get through that hardship. Um, but she talks about other strategies and it's it's gonna be a wonderful, wonderful episode. Because I feel like that's the most common question I get is like, okay, I hear you on the sobriety thing and it's amazing, but what happens when you go through the unimaginable? You can't tell somebody to get sober then, right? Like we almost need alcohol, but there are other strategies, and she is going to be the one to help walk us through that. And I'm so curious to see what she has to say. I'm having somebody come on to talk about ADHD. I'm having somebody come on to talk about adaptogen drinks. So many good guests, so stay tuned for that, and I will see if it's next episode. Bye!